Wrestling, Depression and Pokémon Go!

There has been a Wrestling Match going on in our house for a few weeks now. Silently and without much grunting, groping or scrabbling. Also, I’m not wearing the skin-tight, elastic short thingy that is the necessary costume for Wrestling, apparently, and neither is The Viking. You’re welcome, neighborhood. So, I suppose it’s less of a Wrestling Match and more of a Non-Wrestling Match.

In one corner of the Wrestling Ring that I have metaphorically commandeered for our Non-Wrestling Match is The Viking. He’s squirrelly and stir-crazy and in desperate need of getting outside and having a party or going on a motorcycle ride or doing anything besides sitting in the house binge-watching television series-es. He’s bouncing on the balls of his feet, arms flopping loosely at his sides, head bopping like a boxer….or a Non-Wrestler….eager for the bell.

In the opposite corner is Me, holding a soft blanket in one arm, a pillow in the other arm and a sleep mask is on my forehead, ready for a masterfully quick blackout. Even my bunny slippers look tired.

I know exactly what the problem is. I’m in a slow, rolling depression. It’s not bad enough to necessitate medication, I can still function fine, I just don’t care to do anything more than the bare minimum. I look outside at the bright sunshine and the people strolling along and wonder if The Viking would shout too loud if I lay down for a nap.

He’s considered mentioning that we should get outside but he’s shy about rejection so just sits around getting crankier and crankier every day. The long looks and heavy sighs he doesn’t think I notice tell the story though. I finally told him to just decide on something and then drag me along. Because if I’m honest, getting outside would probably be very good for me, especially if I’ve been dragged out kicking and screaming – I’m sure I can justify that as exercise. Maybe just sunshine on my head would be enough to get me going.

And then I read the latest post from The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson – who happens to be my favorite blogger because Depression is the least of her problems and yet she’s funny as hell and made me think that maybe I’m not as fucked up as I thought I was. Guess what she discovered? Pokemon Go! Apparently it’s helping her deal with her people anxiety and agoraphobia.                                    

I groaned as soon as she said it. Really? Come on, Jenny! I can’t do that! Isn’t that a kid’s game and thousands of people are getting hit in traffic and walking off cliffs? I watched a video clip on Facebook of Eau Claire Market in Calgary where virtually every single person in the video was wandering around looking at their phones! Besides, I’m genetically wired to never do anything that anyone else might be doing and want me to do it too.

But I really do enjoy tormenting The Viking, so I put together the Top 10 Reasons We Should Play Pokemon Go!

1. It would give me the perfect reason for upgrading to a free and better phone. FYI: a guy from Telus called to tell me that my iPhone 4S was now an antique, bordering on a fossil and to please come in and get a new phone.
2. We would be officially more Techno-Literate than my children and we could be condescending and roll our eyeballs at them. How fun is that?!
3. There are no costumes required.
4. No one we actually know would be playing so we wouldn’t be sucked into some sort of competition and we wouldn’t have to come up with reasons why we don’t want to go to their house for a Bar-B-Q.
5. It’s cheap.
6. It would give us a legitimate reason for being lost. Unlike most times when we’re lost for no good reason at all.
7. We could practice Olympic Speed Walking! Because that is the funniest fucking thing ever!
8. We will have a never ending stream of people to make fun of once we are out of hearing range.
9. We would finally have an excuse to visit some of the parks in this lovely city.
10. The chances of stumbling into a Flash Mob would be exponentially higher than finding one on our front lawn.

I waited patiently. Or maybe I was a little excited in an ‘OMG this is going to be EPIC’ kind of way. We usually watch a couple episodes of our current binge series then retire to the office where we check Facebook on our respective computers and maybe play a couple of mindless games before we’re ready to curl up together and read.

I waited until he was done with Facebook and then broached the subject and showed him my list.

“Fuck that!! It’s a kids game for fucksakes! I can’t believe you would even come up with shit like that! Holy Fuck!! You’ve lost your fucking mind, haven’t you?! Or are you drunk?! You’re fucking drunk, aren’t you!? Fucking hell! I don’t even know what a fucking Pokifuck whatever fuck fuck is! Can you fucking imagine what people would fucking think?! They would think we have lost our fucking minds!! That’s what they would fucking think!!”

He got out of his computer chair and walked away.

“I’m no fucking stupid kid that has fuck all to do with his fucking time and thinks walking around looking for a fucking…..”

I smiled. For some reason I felt better. Of course there was no snuggling while I read my book because he was still pacing the kitchen wondering if I was developing Alzheimers or Early Onset Dementia. Sometimes pleasure can be found in the oddest of places.

PS:  I was trying to find a short but hysterical clip of Speed Walking but instead found something even better.  So!  Scratch Speed Walking, replace it with Synchronized Walking because I’m sure I would excel at this.

Synchronized Walking