I like birds – they’re pretty and sing-song-y and generally don’t get in my way – meaning, I haven’t tripped over one. Yet. There’s still plenty of life in me so there’s a reasonable probability that at some point in the future I will trip over one or two and I can only hope the birds in question don’t hold grudges and/or can’t run very fast.
Anyway, I like birds, but to be honest, I’ve never spent a good deal of time minutely examining my thoughts and feelings about them. Until this morning, that is. At 6:30am I was given the perfect opportunity to delve deeply into my opinions and emotions about birds and come up with a definite conclusion: I like birds – except Magpies. I fucking hate Magpies!
The specific Magpie who became the object of my early-morning cursing was the one sitting under our bedroom window squawking and chatting with one of the cats. It was, most likely, Teddy because he seems to have some kind of dysfunctional relationship with it that may or may not include racial slurs, name-calling and cursing. It follows Teddy around, shrieking at him, then Teddy answers it in Cat and it shrieks again and Teddy answers again. We’re quite surprised because Teddy….
isn’t the cat around here that’s famous for shouting and swearing – that honour goes to Izzie, The Queen of Mean herself.
Teddy is a sweet, chill guy who channels Joey Tribiani.
I suppose I could be wrong about the content of their conversations. Maybe it’s a weird friendship between a Low Talker and a Shouter. Maybe they are conversing over the state of the local economy and how the influence of weather patterns could disrupt the flow of goods and services to the most vulnerable in society. Maybe they are plotting and planning a coup in the Squirrel Community. Maybe that bloody bird has a miserable sibling, too. Maybe they are comparing notes and strategies for coping. Who the fuck knows and, at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter.
These two-way conversations go on several times a day for such a ridiculously long time that even the neighbours are starting to notice. I’ve tried on several occasions to capture this phenomenon but that damned Magpie is as shifty as it is loud, and Teddy has the innocent act down pat.
At 6:30 this morning, I was having visions of pulling every single feather out of that gawd-damned bird until it was naked as the day it was hatched. I had a lengthy intervention with Teddy, explaining that he needs to find a friend that doesn’t drive me to the serious contemplation of murder. He listened very carefully, then went outside and found that bird again! Probably to tattle on me for racism or something. Will my car be covered in Magpie Poop now?
Under normal circumstances, I would never try to dictate who a person has as a friend because friendship comes in many different forms. Cat and bird friendships should be encouraged in the hope of interspecies peace. But a Magpie? Really? Teddy couldn’t find any other bird in the neighbourhood to befriend? One that was less offensive and less loud? A Finch? A Sparrow? How about a Hummingbird? Hummingbirds are nothing short of awesome! Nope! It had to be a damned Magpie! I would suspect passive/aggressive behavior if it were Izzie because she would totally do that, but Teddy has neither the smarts nor the personality to pull it off.
Since I apparently have little influence on Teddy’s choice of companions, I’ll just have to come up with a name for my nemesis. A little help would be greatly appreciated, people.
In the meantime, it’s my kind of luck that someone will write a children’s book about this, ending it with the sweet cat and the pretty bird living happily ever after and I’ll look like the asshole.
Where is a coyote when you desperately need one?
I wish I had one for the bird in my yard early this morning that just kept going “Yoooo-who. Yoooo-who.” Shut up about it already!!
LOL! If we wanted to be up at the crack of dawn we would own roosters, right? 😄
I have the same love/hate relationship with peacocks… I think that because they got the prettiest feathers, they got the most annoying voice EVER! And they don’t seem to mind sounding so bad, because they go shrieking all.the.time! *Ugh*
I don’t have a name to suggest for the annoying magpie just yet, but I’ll think about it!
*Big hugs* to you and the Viking 🙂 xx
YES!! If there is one bird worse than a Magpie, it’s a Peacock! So beautiful, so loud. They sound like a car crash. 😘 Hugs back to you, Doll.
And to think I was annoyed at blue jays for sounding like squeaky clotheslines…
Lemme see…. what to call this particular magpie… I’ll have to think some more.
And I’m with you. 6:30 is SO not cool to be jabbering away with the dang cat…
I would have an entirely different opinion on the matter at 9:00am. I might even think it was kind of cute that Teddy had a non-feline friend. As it stands though, that Magpie is arch-enemy numero uno. 😁 I’ve been trying to tie Margaret Thatcher into a Magpie name but not having much luck.
Magpies are not birds. Nope. They are reptiles in feathers, the little farking pretenders! They don’t sing. No, they vomit. Loudly.
For now, Teddy’s just doing a bit of exploring, but there are many other birds out there, like the blue tits and the great tits and the have-you-seen-the-amazing tits, too.
Actually, my Moxie tried to chatter back to magpies, as she’ll do with any bird, starting with one that had landed on our veranda railing, but then another and another turned up to find out what was happening, until there were four staring down Moxie, the little 3.5-kilo tabby, who had sunk so low to the floor that I was thinking I might need a spatula to get her up again.
I’m all for a special Acme-brand anti-magpie device, which our friend, Wile E., can likely provide at a special price.
That’s an amazingly accurate description of Magpies. 😄 As for tits….I think we have quite enough of them around here. Any more and The Viking will likely be too distracted to work. 😂 Izzie caught a Raven a couple years ago and after a brief but violent struggle, it got away. The next day it brought back 6 or 8 of its closest friends. I had to rescue her from cowering under a spruce tree. Thankfully, Moxie wasn’t in that much hot water. 🙂
Oh! Oh my gosh! Oh! It’s like ‘West Side Story,’ but with feathers! 😀 And one (probably and understandably) frightened cat. Glad to know you could scoop her up!
If only Izzie had a gang of her own, there might have been … a musical! 😀
LOL!! A Musical for Izzie? Alice Cooper would be the only guy to do the soundtrack. 😂
Welcome To My Nightmare
Well then… You just named your bird. Alice Cooper! It’s perfect!
Hahaha!! You’re absolutely right! I don’t know why I didn’t make the connection. So, the Magpie will henceforth be called Alice Cooper. 😘
Ha! I do not know what bird is what, but I do recognize that it is an adjustment every spring when we can finally open the windows (in Chicago) and some kind of annoying bird or another decides to park in a tree near my window and SING LOUDLY! I have no pets to antagonize or befriend them.
🙂 One would think we would just be happy that winter is finally gone, but it seems that a human’s capacity for complaining is eternal. 😄 At least MY capacity is eternal and I’m fairly certain I’m not alone. Thanks for stopping by, Ernie.