I had an epiphany a few weeks ago. It was a bit unpleasant so I filed it away under “Self-Improvements I am Avoiding”. And then I read a blog post where a young lady is trying to be a better person which reminded me of my epiphany and now I’ve decided to explore it a bit more. On the surface ‘Being a better person’ may sound like a wonderful idea but it’s not necessarily all it’s cracked up to be.
Let’s see if I can explain it.
I believe that when someone loves you…you have the means to destroy them. They have handed you their heart and soul. How you care for that heart and soul is how every human being should be judged. Sometimes you have their heart and soul by default, like your children. But it’s still the same thing; you have the power to destroy them, too.
We all know the things that can destroy a person’s heart and soul. Bad faith, of course, but there are insults and contempt and selfishness and jealousy and name-calling on the list and violence and several kinds of abuse, too. All of these are on “The Top 10 Things to Never Do To Your Fellow Human Beings”.
I do my best to avoid all of those things on a daily basis. Because I hate that shit. Sometimes it’s exhausting. There are days when I want to smack someone or throw an epic hissy fit that Yosemite Sam would envy. When I get the eye roll from Mim I want to knock her on her ass. The seventh time in one day that The Viking comes in the house shouting about something I would like to stick my fingers in my ears and close my eyes. When I hear more complaints that I’m stressed out or need counselling or I’m too dramatic, I’d like to point out some of their flaws and faults.
But I don’t. Because, like I said, I hate that shit. I’m a gentle soul. I’m a lover, not a fighter. I love peace and quiet and affection. I will take the bloody high road every single time, even if everyone else is skipping down the low road. Lead from the front, right? Be the better person to inspire others.
And here is where I had the epiphany. While I am so busy trying to do the right thing, be the better person, forgive the unforgivable, learn from my mistakes, don’t name call, walk away from a shouting match so we can talk when we’ve calmed down…..I must be fucking annoying beyond belief! Like ex-smokers or born again Christians or Martha Stewart.
In the 9 years The Viking and I have been together, I think I’ve had to apologize 6 times and those times involved jumping to conclusions, smashing his Seadoo on the rocks, and the others were because I did something stupid. The Viking has apologized a lot more than 6 times. And while I love that I’m winning at something, which rarely happens when it involves him, I can also appreciate the complete piss-off-i-ness at having to apologize all the fucking time.
The real misery of this epiphany is that I absolutely hate self-righteous assholes who think they are better than everyone else. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m saying that when The Viking’s world is crashing around his ears because he’s waiting for parts and more machines are arriving daily and I respond with a Buddha-like calm and soothing words he would probably like to punch me in my nurturing face. Or when Mim is looking for a shouting match to release some tension and I’m all “Clearly this conversation is not accomplishing anything; you should calm down and we’ll talk later”, it would probably inspire some amount of desire to knock me down a flight of stairs.
So, my efforts at being a better person are making other people less good! The Viking has to spend his days and nights with a woman who won’t argue, won’t return snotty comments and generally avoids all his efforts at getting into a great argument to release his pent up frustrations. What kind of a fucking life is that?! Mim told me that she enjoys arguments and it drives her nuts when I won’t fight back. I can’t imagine being like that but I have to assume she knows herself well enough to know.
As I was reading the blog this morning, feeling bad for this young girl trying to be better at life, what I really wanted to comment was “FUCK THAT!! Unless you are a totally horrible individual, stop beating yourself up. The better you become the more unbearable you will be.”
I don’t think we should all be assholes. We should absolutely be kind to everyone and take care of each other. But fuck being a better person. ‘Better’ immediately assumes the status quo isn’t good enough. And sometimes people like me need to get a little worse just so we aren’t so fucking irritating. It wouldn’t kill me to shout at Mim for a few minutes to make her happy. And The Viking might appreciate some company in his panic.
Or….I could be completely full of shit and we should all try to be better people. Maybe we should all be racing towards Perfection. Doesn’t that sound horrible?
I dunno. I don’t think you’re better or worse for not arguing (actually I think you’re better, so there). I HATE, HATE, HATE arguments. I heard too many when I was a little kid. To me, they are tension and crying and awful things. I think people who don’t argue, as long as it’s not passive-aggressive, are worthy of all kinds of peace prizes and should be prized as long as situations are eased in another fashion. Not arguing and a situation festering are something else again. If someone is annoyed by your pacifism, I’m afraid the problem might be theirs and not yours. At least, that’s how I feel about my own pacifism. However, do you really believe that The Viking doesn’t appreciate your calm? Ask him. Don’t change based on a perception. As for Mim liking to argue, I am sure there are other outlets available. I sure wouldn’t start arguing and making myself uncomfortable….unless you wouldn’t be uncomfortable?
Your piece is well-written and obviously thought-provoking, btw. Sorry if I gave 8 cents rather than 2. 🙂
I triple hate confrontations and arguments as well, Sascha. I find them very aggressive and the person who shouts the loudest and listens less is the winner. And thank you for your 8 cents, I appreciate your thoughts. :o)
I think you are touching on a bit of a fine point – if we are forever to questing to be something we think we SHOULD be – then no – I’d agree in that way lies misery for you and those around you. We “should” be ourselves and embrace it. But if improvement is “quit smoking” or “read more” because you truly WANT to do it for yourself – then I’m all for that.
I absolutely agree, Louise. Being a better person for yourself is wonderful. Being THE better person, all the time, is not so wonderful. :o)