Even at the best of times, I am a car crash. A ballerina I’m not!
I once slipped and fell in the middle of my sister’s wedding reception. In front of everyone. And my fugly brown dress flipped up to show off my underpants.
I fell off the raised stage during a band concert. In front of everyone. And my clarinet broke so I had to Mime the rest of the concert.
A pair of panties fell out of the leg of my pants in the middle of a crowd of dudes.
I slipped on ice when I was getting into my car. I landed on my ass/back on the ice with one leg wedged under the steering wheel and the other leg under the car. I needed to be rescued.
And then there was the time I fell when I was working in a Library. I was happily going about my business shelving books when a customer (Jim) came in and asked if I had a book on hold for his wife.
I said “Sure” and started to walk toward the desk. In my path was a thread on the carpet that was not visible to the naked eye but I managed to trip on it anyway.
Time slowed down.
My body tried to prevent the fall by taking a huge, exaggerated step hoping to correct my center of gravity. For some reason my arms decided they weren’t going to cooperate and didn’t move at all. I thought the human body had instincts to minimize injuries, like putting your hands in front of you so you don’t land on your face. Apparently my arms didn’t get the memo. With the huge step my arms were left trailing behind me. My other leg joined the fun with another huge step but my upper body was already three steps ahead and angled toward the floor. Imagine bobbing for apples except the water is the carpet and the apples are that stack of boxes I am hurtling toward.
The boxes were empty – thank God or this would have really hurt – ready to be filled with rotational books. Despite the heroic efforts of my legs they simply couldn’t keep up with the momentum my upper body had achieved and my arms were flapping behind me, completely useless. What in the hell are they doing back there? Don’t they know my face is about to hit the floor, completely unprotected?
My nose made contact with the industrial carpet first, followed quickly by my forehead, chin and boobs. I bounced once. Twice. Then my head made contact with the stack of boxes a mere split second before my nose hit the carpet for the third time. The force of the contact propelled the boxes into orbit. I heard Jim gasp and duck a box.
Once my face had stopped my forward momentum, I jumped up, grabbed his wife’s book (oh sure! Now my arms decide to work!) and handed it to him with a bright smile. “Here you go!” Oh my God! Did I just ram my head into the carpet and a stack of boxes?
Jim looked sort of stunned. “Holy Shit! Are you okay?”
“Oh sure! Haha! I’m terrific! Would you mind handing me that box?” Wow! One of the boxes actually made it through the door and out into the foyer.
“Um….your forehead, nose and chin are bleeding.”
“Haha! I guess I won’t have to exfoliate for a while.” Did I just say that?
“You’re sure you’re okay?”
“Oh ya! No worries. Have a great day! Say hi to Colleen for me!”
I will never be able to look this guy in the face again…..or Colleen for that matter.