Let’s talk about Boobs. I have big ones which are more of a hindrance and less ‘sexy appendages’ the older I get. A friend of mine once said, “Big boobs are only good for one thing……feeding the baby without taking it out of the crib”, and I have to concur. I would happily give them to the first female I heard bemoaning her compact titlets.
There are challenges to having big boobs. For example, restaurant tables are all ‘Boob Height’; I like to call them Boob Tables because as soon as I sit down my boobs are resting on the table top. The Viking enjoys the view but so does everyone else who happens to walk past or is taking our order. Sure, it means I don’t necessarily have to wear a bra for support when I go out for dinner but that just makes the journey from the car to the table sort of weird. Either The Viking or I have to hold them because no one wants to watch them sway back and forth as I walk. Sure, I could probably hypnotize people to do my bidding – that is actually a very good idea! – but that would make us late for our reservation.
So let’s just agree that I should wear a bra whether it’s absolutely necessary or not when I am out in public.
There is also the problem of random things just getting caught in there. Here’s a short list of things I have found in my bra:
- Popcorn
- Dough – pie or cookie, I’ve found both in there
- Blue Icing – from baking Christmas Cookies and it dyed a relatively large spot on my left boob for 4 days and surprised The Viking – if I remember correctly he said “What the fuck is that?!
- The cap of a pen
- Paper clip
- Grass
- A triple ‘A’ battery
- Cat treat
- A dime
- A postage stamp that actually stuck to the side of my right boob
- The lid for Zincofax
- A metallic star for homework
- A Q-tip
- A chocolate covered raisin
Some of those things were a pleasant surprise as I was getting ready for bed – like the chocolate covered raisin – but some things were like ‘where in the hell did this cat treat come from?’
If I were honest I would concede that on rare occasions having big boobs has been an advantage. Here is a short list of things I have stored in my bra so my hands would be free:
- coins or car keys
- A baby pacifier
- Kleenex
- Skittles, because the kids were fighting over them
- Werthers Hard candies, because I love them
- Lottery tickets
- A pen and a small pad of paper for taking notes
- A pack of gum
- A lighter
- A condom
- Okay, I didn’t actually put a condom in there but it would be a great place to keep them if the guy visits there on his way south.
And now, just a quick list of things no one should ever hide in their bra:
- A chocolate bar
- Pop Rocks, especially if you are menopausal and out in public.