Mim came to me one day when she was about 8 years old and told me quite firmly that she knew the Tooth Fairy wasn’t real. I asked her why she was so sure. She said Junior told her. After a stink eye toward Junior, I said to Mim, “Thank God! Your father can stop wearing that silly Tooth Fairy outfit.” Yes. I actually did say that. It was one of those flashes of brilliance that surprises me more than the person I said it to.
And that was that. No more frantic searches for a quarter at 11:00 at night. No more sad little girl because the Tooth Fairy didn’t come for her tooth the night before because someone (Kukah!) forgot to make the switch like he promised to do.
Junior was the first to figure out that Santa Claus wasn’t real – at least real in the physical, sled-riding person sort of way. He was about 7 years old and was very cocky about it too!
“Santa Claus isn’t real, Mom” he said.
“What?! No one told me that!” I replied, pretending to be shocked and confused.
“Give it up, Mom. You used the same paper this year as last year to wrap my present from Santa.” He’s all eye-rolly and superior and how in the hell did he remember what his gift was wrapped in last year?!
“That means nothing! Nothing! Do you think Santa just throws away leftover paper? Do you think he’s made of money? It’s irresponsible to throw away un-used things just because! In this day and age of littering and garbage he would be a villain if he threw stuff away.” I thought I was very convincing.
He holds up the yo-yo he got in his stocking. “It says ‘Made in Japan’ and I don’t think Santa would be buying yo-yos in Japan when he has Elves to make them.”
“Who are you?! Columbo?” He was 7 YEARS OLD!
“Don’t feel bad, Mom. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I give him a face and then say, “Don’t you tell your sister or you will never, ever, ever get another Christmas gift!”
He actually smiled like he won. Demon.
The Easter Bunny was an entirely different thing. These two brainiacs I call my children never questioned the validity of an enormous Rabbit dropping colored eggs and chocolate poop (those crazy good foil covered chocolate egg shaped things) all over the house. They never questioned the Treasure Hunt supposedly arranged by the Bunny either. As the kids got older the Treasure Hunts had to become more sophisticated and they never challenged the time-consumption needed to make up riddles and then hide the clues inside, outside and even in vehicles?
Finally, when Mim was about 13 years old and Junior was 15, I decided that this Easter thing had gotten out of hand. I gathered them up about a week before Easter and said I wasn’t making any more Treasure Hunts. They both gave me their best ‘confused’ looks, like they rehearsed this situation.
Junior: “What are you talking about? You don’t make the Treasure Hunts……that’s the Easter Bunny.”
Me: “Ha. Ha. Very funny. Those Treasure Hunts take me days to do and I’m not going to do them anymore.”
Mim: “That’s just mean, Mom.” She has a sad, droopy face.
Junior: “Why don’t you want us to believe in the Easter Bunny?” His face is like a kicked puppy.
Me: “There is no such thing as the Easter Bunny.”
Mim: “Then who makes all that poop on the floor?”
Junior: “Ya. And makes the Treasure Hunts?”
Me: “I buy the poop from the store and I sit for hours and hours coming up with riddles and then hiding all the clues.”
Junior: “That’s sounds nothing like you Mom.” He pretends skepticism.
Me: “What?! Not like me?! It’s completely LIKE ME! I’ve been doing it your entire lives!”
Mim: “You couldn’t do all that by yourself.” Straight-faced.
Me: “Oh, fine! Your father has helped me for the last couple of years because it’s so time consuming!”
Junior: “That doesn’t sound like Dad, either.”
Me: “YOU ARE NOT GETTING A TREASURE HUNT THIS YEAR! And after this conversation, it’s doubtful whether you will even get poop, let alone a Chocolate Bunny and a gift!”
Of course they didn’t believe in the Easter Bunny – probably hadn’t believed since they were 7 years old – but I had to admire their commitment to the fantasy of an Easter Bunny just for the sake of Chocolate, Treasure Hunts and Poop. They walked away laughing at me. I did give them gifts and Chocolate Bunnies even after they became adults and when I finally stopped altogether, Mim was kind of disappointed but totally philosophical about it all.
“I can’t believe you kept it up for all this time.” Brilliant smile.