I don’t really like cooking all that much anymore. Once was a time when I would chef the hell out of my kitchen, but after 35 years of slinging food, I’ve lost my enthusiasm. That doesn’t mean I’m not still slinging food, it just means that I’m cranky while I do it. When The Viking finds me laying on the kitchen floor begging for death to take me now so I don’t have to figure out what the hell to make for dinner for the 5th day this week, he doesn’t need to ask questions.
As luck would have it though, he loves cooking! Give him a bottle of red wine and a Danish radio station and he’s the happiest damned Viking on the planet. So, on Saturdays, if he doesn’t have to work in the garage, he makes me dinner. And he goes shopping for the ingredients, too!
Unfortunately, last Saturday there was an issue. It all began when I lost my Airmiles card a couple of weeks ago. A cashier at Safeway must have forgotten to hand it back to me when I bought groceries and I was, undoubtedly, cranky because I would now have to cook all the crap I just bought and that’s my excuse for failing to reacquire the card. It wasn’t until my next trip to buy food that I realized it was missing because that’s about the only place I use it.
Anyhoo, I took The Viking’s card to use until my new one arrived. And that brings us right up to Saturday when he went shopping for the big feast he was making for me. I happily sat at the computer listening to a documentary and playing solitaire while he was gone. At one point I thought I heard thunder in the distance but that was impossible because it’s winter.
And then The Viking arrived home.
“Where the fuck is my Airmiles card?!!”
Me: Oh, I have it because I lost mine somewhere but I’ve ordered a new one.
Him: Well that’s fucking great! I stood there looking like a stupid, dumb Fuck, going through my entire wallet searching for my fucking card while 3000 people were waiting behind me!
Me: Ummm……sorry?
Him: I was going through the whole store, picking up deals that would give me extra Airmiles!!
Me: ……
Him: The cashier was getting all pissed off! What am I supposed to do?!! I felt like a fucking dumb fuck!
Me: ……
Him: I almost walked away and left it all right there! I’m so pissed off right now! I have all these stupid, fucking groceries and NO AIRMILES!!
Me: ……
He stomped out to bring more stuff into the house, muttering.
Him: ….so bad if you at least told me you had my card!! You should have put it back in my wallet when you were finished with it.
Me: To be fair, I use the card more often than you do and it seemed the better use of the Airmiles card for me to…..
Him: I MISSED OUT ON 14 MILLION AIRMILES!
Me: Okaaay. Since we’re talking about such a tremendous number of miles, it’s clear I made a huge mistake…..
He stomped out again to bring the remainder of his shopping treasures.
Him: If I had known you were going to fuck me over I never would have bought you these fucking flowers because you certainly don’t deserve them!
Me: Awwww….you bought me flowers!
Him: YOU DON’T DESERVE THEM!
And then I couldn’t help myself. I started to laugh. And I couldn’t stop! He was just so indignant that I “fucked him over” by pinching his Airmiles card. Tears in my eyes, laughing so hard. And then I understood that the thunder I thought I heard wasn’t thunder at all but most likely the rumblings of Viking discontent from 4 kilometers away.
In the 12 ½ years I’ve known The Viking, I have never not deserved flowers. Who knew that pinching his Airmiles card was the hard-line in floral deservedness?
-
- I accidentally bleached most of his laundry so he had to wear ridiculous clothes for 3 years until they wore out.
- I mashed the potatoes when we were serving a Danish Pork Roast to my parents, totally destroying the entire meal.
- I drove his truck across wet paint when highway workers were painting the centre lines.
- I smashed his Seadoo onto a big pile of rocks.
- I forgot to buy his Lottery tickets and we probably would have won a Billion dollars in that draw.
- ETC.
The list of my sins is lengthy and yet I’ve always deserved flowers. Until last Saturday. The good news is that The Viking doesn’t hold grudges against me. Don’t get me wrong, he’ll hold grudges against anyone else on the planet, just not me. Because I’m special.
And as impressive as him losing his shit is, it’s not quite as epic as me losing my shit when he forgot to buy Fresca 2 years ago and he laughed his Danishy ass off, right in my face.
So, there is that.
You give me such good guffaws and laughter. it really clears the gunk right out of the depths of my lungs!
I wonder if I could qualify for Medical Funding for providing a healthcare service? 😏 That’s not the worst job a girl could have.
Thanks for stopping by, Yvonne. 😘
There’s no harm in trying. Remember you new best friend when the cash comes rolling in.
Well, you DID give me the idea so it’s only fair to share. 😁
I’m with Yvonne… You supply the best relief from all this fucking Coronavirus tension.
Who knew that not handing back an Airmiles card would be the cause for not deserving flowers?
You two deserve each other is all I can say (and I say it in the most loving and happy way).
We do kinda deserve each other, don’t we? 😏 I had no idea how attached he was to that Airmiles card. Next time we meet a new person, I’m going to urge him to show that person his Airmiles card – like he was showing a picture of his wife and kids. “Show him your Airmiles card, honey! Isn’t it cute?”
Buahahaha! I have no idea why I NEVER get notifications when you respond… sigh…
Check your spam
Oh my gosh! Or my gods! Or my gods’ gosh! You wrote such a fantastically funny thing all about food shopping and cooking and Viking weirdnessing and and and … Airmiles? What are those? 😀 Okay, I do know about that kind of system when someone buys a lot of stuff, then that info is sent to another company to give that someone a benefit while scurriously tucking away the information for whatever purpose however nefarious! But now that just about all airlines are doing absof#ckinglutely nothing, what of airmiles now? And this system says that I pressed the Like button, so I believe I did, but I didn’t read it until today, three weeks later! But I am so glad that I did!
Should’ve read ‘scurrilously’ but my L key is sometimes lax and doesn’t turn up when needed, or else my finger just didn’t press that key hard enough, but WordPress doesn’t seem to allow commenters to go back and edit the one word pressed not hard enough!
Oh, and my saying that ‘my L key is sometimes lax’ doesn’t make it into salmon, even as a treat for your long-suffering Viking!
I find I do my best proofreading after I press ‘send’, Gale.
You and Mrs Completely should consider writing posts together for our amusement.
“Scurrilously” happens to be one of my favorite words. It’s right up there with ‘Curmudgeon’ and ‘Flabberghast’. 😁 As for Airmiles, well they are a total ripoff because on any given shopping trip you might earn 4 Airmiles but you need 93,876,257 Airmiles to buy a flight ticket to the closest neighbouring town. It goes against all The Viking’s morals to pass up on anything ‘free’ though, so I do my part and collect the points.
I’m so glad you went back for this post. It gave me a reason to read it and I started laughing all over again. ‘YOU DON’T DESERVE THEM!!’ 😘
I have an ‘N’ that is short on dedication. I can’t really blame it though because I slopped a bit of coffee on it. I do try to encourage determination and a sense of duty so I’ve adopted a detailed plan of cursing and stabbing it repeatedly. I’m not seeing much improvement at the moment but never let it be said that I give up easily. 😘