That Had Better Be a Banana in Your Pocket!

I had to buy groceries today. And in an effort to get myself a little more organized so I don’t waste most of my time every damned day, I got my shit together and ended up at the store earlier than I usually do.  And, well……there were issues.

There was a surprisingly large percentage of older men there today. Guys like my father, who lived during the great years when the wife could stay at home and raise the kids and the men came home to a hot meal without knowing for certain how that magic happened.  And there were Laundry Fairies and Leprechauns that dusted and cleaned and vacuumed in that world where he slept each night.

Now these men are retired and have become an annoying nuisance to their wives who have a daily routine that they’ve honed over the years to something that works for them. Now there is a bored man around all the damned time critiquing their methods and making suggestions and wanting attention; it’s worse that raising children!  So what does a desperate woman do?  She sends him shopping, where he becomes my problem.  There is the possibility that the wife recently passed away, or divorced him but the rules still apply.  If he is a guy that never went for the whole ‘married with children thing’ he already knows the rules so he’s excused.

So! Ahem!  GENTLEMEN!  MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!  Welcome to Supermarket Orientation 101.  Please pay close attention.

Operation of the Carts

I can’t believe I even have to explain this but a shopping cart is a 4-wheeled ve-hicle and thus must obey the rules of the road.  You can’t cruise down the aisle on the wrong side and expect me to move.  I don’t care if you give me the stink-eye.  Rules are rules!  And, by the way….the end of every single aisle is a t-intersection and I absolutely had the right-of-way.

Also, do not leave your cart in the middle of an aisle while you decide what kind of baked beans you are going to make your wife eat. Other shoppers can and will ram your cart repeatedly while yelling “Get a move on Mister! I’ve got a schedule to keep!”

The Meat Department

You never, ever, ever park your cart in front of the meat display while you decide whether to buy the ground beef in a super value pack or not. This forces other shoppers to reach across your cart to get to the super-pack of chicken thighs that are on sale, today only!  I have breasts you know, and metal shopping carts are a hazard…….don’t ask, just trust me.  Leave your cart two meters away from the display and approach on foot, with elbows tucked in, please.

Personal Space Protocols

You must never get closer than 1 meter from a fellow shopper.  It scares the shit out of them when you stand too close while their back is turned.  Seriously!  I almost dropped the litre of cream on the floor and you have a mustard stain on the left side of your shirt where my nose made contact.

Produce Department

Other shoppers would like to get at those Broccoli Heads, too. Is it really necessary to flag down a store employee and grill them on the price? Just put them in the bag, or not, and move it along; that poor kid can’t change the price anyway.  Feel free to stop at Customer Service on your way out for a full list of pricing policies and the toll-free phone number to their head office.  Your wife/partner already knows this; it’s the reason they never take you grocery shopping anymore; they were humiliated the last time you made a big stink like this.

Paper Towels & Toilet Paper

Stop bullying your wife – who doesn’t want to be here with you in the first place – into buying single ply toilet paper because it’s cheaper! It isn’t because you have to use more and it doesn’t feel nice on her lady-parts!  2-ply with pillows is a damned necessity and you’re blocking the aisle!  You’re welcome, sistah.

Buying in Bulk

Your children no longer live at home. It’s just you and the missus – soon to be just the missus if you don’t find something better to do with yourself than harassing her as she goes about her business – so you don’t need a Pail of Pickles.  Or a giant tub of Mayonnaise.  Or 8 mega jugs of ketchup.  Yes it is cheaper to buy in bulk but then you need 4 more refrigerators.  And by the way…..you are blocking the aisle again!

Personal Space Protocols – for the second time because you obviously weren’t listening the first time

Pretend every person in the store has a 1 meter bubble around them that is a “No Go Zone”.  Just because I bent over to get the family sized box of Cheerios from the bottom shelf doesn’t mean you can reach over me for the Corn Flakes. That had better be a banana in your pocket and OMG! Your armpit smells like a skunk!   Geez!

The Self-Check Out Lines

NEVER, EVER GO TO SELF-CHECK-OUT! The Self-Check-Out lines are for seasoned shoppers & professionals only! You need to go to the Full Service Cashier Lines where all you need to do is hand the cashier your debit card.

Thank you for your attention. Shop well.  Be safe.  And remember that 1 meter rule.  I’m talking to you Harold.