I was once accused, by a boss, of being aggressive. Once I got over the shock I asked around and found out that I’m not really aggressive*, I’m assertive; which was a description I could live with. That was years ago though. Nowadays, I’m not so much assertive as prone to bouts of slight aggressiveness. If I were Freud, I would say I become aggressive on occasion because I’m not being assertive enough to avoid the necessity of aggressiveness.
I bring this up because I am being stalked by my Gel Nail Technician – Nancy. She’s really, really terrible at doing Gel Nails but I’ve been going to her because I haven’t had any alternative within a reasonable distance from my house. But my former Gel Nail Technician is back and she’s amazing, she’s closer and I want good quality work again instead of horrible, terrible work. But now, Nancy is calling my cell phone and leaving messages. And since I’ve been dodging her calls from the shop she’s become shifty and crafty and called from her personal cell phone and I answered it because I thought it was someone else.
“Hello Lori! It’s Nancy! When do you want appointment?”
Well SHIT! It should be easy to not go to one place anymore because you would rather go to some other place instead. But Nancy isn’t playing by the rules and because I’m not assertive enough to explain that I found someone better, it will probably need an aggressive response to get her to stop calling me. Sigh.
And I bring this up because I went to the salon where my former Technician is to get my nails done.
There was a man at the front desk and three other women puttering around the shop. When Anne looked at my nails, she muttered something in an Asian dialect and those 3 women rushed over to look at my nails too. There was a flurry of words and tut-tuts and lots of shaking heads. One said “Who did that to your hands?!” I waved in the vague direction of the street. “Some other place out there.” I mumbled.
Long story short – I have beautiful nails on my Man Hands!** Woop! Woop! I’m pretty sure Nancy isn’t done yet though.
AND….the reason I’m telling you this is because later that day, The Viking said:
“You have Sex Hair! Why do you have Sex Hair when we haven’t had sex?!”
Of course I went directly to the closest mirror and he was right. I definitely had Sex Hair! I’m as mystified as he is. Before I left the house to get my nails done, I made sure my hair was presentable and the only guy I saw the whole time was the guy at the front desk in the salon.
Me: “Okay. I don’t want to alarm you but I may have experienced a Missing Time event.”
The Viking: What the fuck is that?
Me: “Well, it’s when you can’t remember what happened in a certain stretch of time. Like people who are abducted by UFOs.
The Viking: “You were abducted by aliens? Is that what you’re saying?
Me: “No. Well maybe. I don’t know! How do aliens have sex?”
The Viking: “I don’t know!”
Me: “Maybe that’s why aliens don’t have hair. Maybe their sex is so wild it was easier to just evolve into hairlessness.”
The Viking: “So you think you had wild sex with a hairless alien?”
Me: “It would explain my Sex Hair.”
The Viking: “Or maybe you were just playing around in the bedroom today when I was working.”
Me (shocked and insulted): “I wouldn’t do that! And if I did I think I would remember it. Unless I was experiencing a Missing Time event. Geez! I wonder if I do that every afternoon?”
The Viking: “I think I’d better check on you more often in the afternoons.”
Me: “I have noticed that my right hand aches quite a bit lately. I thought I was just getting The Arthritis!
The Viking: “I want to go with you when you try to explain that to your doctor?”
Me: You know what? I may not remember doing it but I’m still a little proud of myself.
It occurs to me that I am right in the glory years of menopause, when my body is producing less Estrogen and more Testosterone and we all know that Testosterone can make people a little aggressive, more hairy and a lot horny. With the plethora of other wonderful things Menopause has introduced to me I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Missing Time events and sore hands might be in the mix.
But now that I’m thinking about it, it occurs to me that of all the other crap that comes with Menopause, missing time and the possibility that I might be hanging out in the bedroom in the afternoons isn’t so bad. So, there is that.
*I’m not really aggressive….except when I flush the toilet. Apparently I am an extremely aggressive Flusher because I broke the handle right off the toilet which set off an entire bathroom renovation because The Viking doesn’t trust me with conventional flushing handles anymore. Instead, he bought a Push Button Toilet with a flushing apparatus developed at NASA. If it’s good enough for Aliens it’s good enough for us. I guess.
**Despite our best efforts and an iPhone 4S (yes, I know it’s an antique but it works for me), we couldn’t get a decent picture of my beautiful nails.
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