Welcome to my Drunk Season – Bailey’s in my coffee, whiskey in my chocolate, wine in my orange juice, beer in my Clamato and gin in my tonic. Plus….Akvavit with my Julefrokost that may or may not end with my head resting on a blessedly cool toilet between heaves. I swear that this Christmas I will know when to refuse that one final shot.
Anyway, since I will be drunk for the better part of the next 10 days, I thought I would do up a ‘Year In Review’ while I’m still sober enough to do it.
January
The Viking cheated at Rock, Paper, Scissors by creating a Super Weapon and broke the World’s Pre-Eminent Decision-Making Tool and then laughed and laughed and laughed like he didn’t just unleash chaos throughout the universe.
February
The Viking insulted his English Doctor before she gave him his Prostate Exam by explaining that his hemorrhoids are the result of his English genes, courtesy of his Mother.
Also in February, The Viking’s Brother, Erik, and his beautiful Annette came for a visit and I cried for a week when they left.
March
The Viking hung up a Dart Board, gave me a stiff Gin and Tonic, and 3 Darts. It went as well as you can imagine.
April
A Girl Guide sold me a box of horrible cookies and I got angry at Dare Inc. because they should be giving better products for poor Girl Guides to sell. Seriously!
May
The Viking decided to get into a Viking Lawn Mowing Competition with the neighbour but he had neglected his mower so much it needed some serious love. My favorite Honda Parts Man, Adrian, had a better suggestion.
June
Teddy struck up a relationship with a foul-mouthed Magpie we named Alice Pooper who likes to squawk abuse very early in the morning at the top of its lungs. Of our two cats, Teddy is the least likely to participate in an insult contest, while Izzie, the Queen of Mean, enjoys nothing more than a shouting and cursing match. And it’s all icing on the cake if she can dish out slaps for emphasis.
July
I described the joys of the Blanket Fort and gave everyone permission to host their own Pity Party; I even provided a short list of suggested activities.
August
We took a road trip on the Goldwing and I annoyed The Viking by knocking on his helmet every time I needed to communicate my desires.
September
My Father passed away on August 23, 2019, and I wrote the ‘Worst Eulogy in the History of the World’ so I wrote another one that is a far better Eulogy than the one given at the Funeral.
October
I embarrassed myself at Dad’s Funeral because Anxiety makes me do stupid things and it took me over a month to talk about it.
I finally finished writing the book about my parents and while I was transcribing my Great Grandmother’s book in the back of my Parents’ book I found a Skeleton in our closet that is famous in the “Haunting & Spooks” community.
November
Snow arrived and the cats left paw prints on every single horizontal surface, including the stove and my boobs, and I’ve been cursing and shouting ever since.
I also learned the difference between a Carved-In-Stone Law and a Suggestion and made The Viking get all squinty around the eyes because he hates conversations like these.
December
The Viking almost cut off his finger, I almost fainted and an Emergency Doctor was impressed with The Viking’s cutting skills.
And, there you have it. 2019 in a nutshell. It’s been awkward, sad, wonderful, shocking, heartbreaking and annoying in turns which sums up life in general, I suppose. I’m pinning my hopes on a better year in 2020.
May 2020 make all your hopes and dreams come true. For me and The Viking, too.
