Neighbourhood patrol. Again. I’m not in the best of moods because Mom is spitefully refusing to fix the weather and my feet are cold. And why am I the one responsible for keeping the neighbourhood safe? What would happen if I decided I didn’t feel like doing it anymore? Rabbits! That’s what would happen if I got lazy; the entire place would be overrun with rodents with ridiculous ears. And the rabbits around here aren’t cute little bundles of soft fur. No, around here we get Jack Rabbits that are only slightly prettier than Golum and about the same size!
What did these people do before I moved here? It was a mess, I’m sure of that! There had better be some treats when I get home and a pair of warm boobs to lay on.
Hey! Don’t honk your horn at me, Buddy! Just for that, I’m going to walk slowly while giving you the stink eye the entire time I’m crossing the street. Dick.
Taunting the dogs across the alley – check
Walking on Floyd’s new car – check
Bullying the Bichon – check
Pooping in Mark’s garden – check
Dot’s yard is good, Marcel’s is okay but could really use some shoveling (aren’t my feet cold enough, Marcel?), Anne’s place is very tidy – I like it.
Hummm…..that’s a new smell. I don’t usually check this yard, but I should find out what smells so delicious. Well, will you look at that! Chicken! I love chicken. Thank you very much Homeowner.
WHAT THE FUCK?!! It’s a trap! Let me out! I am not liking this at all. Ohhhh, whoever did this………just wait until I get out! You are going to have my poop in your garden for the rest of your life! That’s right. I’m going to stop pooping in Mark’s garden and come here instead and the poops will be huge and smelly! And every time I decide to fight with another cat it will happen right under your bedroom window in the middle of the night and I’m a screamer. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll set up a Fight Club right here and invite every cat in the province! I’m going to scare your children and mock your dogs! I will pee on your car and every child’s toy you leave outside. And you don’t even want to know what I’m going to do to that sandbox! It will be disgusting and involve a lot of Hairballs!
LET ME OUT!!
LET ME OUT!!
LET ME OUT!!
Well, it’s about damned time, Mister! Open this fucking door right now! No…don’t touch me! No touchy! Stop…..Geezus!! You’re not allowed to touch me! Put me down! That’s my Lady Parts! Hashtag MeToo!!
Oh! You want to see my collar tag? Why didn’t you say that to begin with? Yes, I’m Izzie and yes, that’s my phone number. Call my Mom. She is soooo going to fuck you up, Mister! You have no idea what she is capable of – I’m her Princess. You should start running right now. She can make a Viking cry, so just imagine what she will do to you!
Hey!! What the hell? I don’t want to be in your garage. Just let me go. Seriously, dude, I promise I won’t say a thing. No one will ever know you trapped me in a Cat Trap. I am great at keeping secrets. Honestly! I’ve never told anyone Teddy’s deepest secret and if there is a secret that should be told, it’s what Teddy wants to do with his stuffed alligator toy. Please, I promise I won’t poop in your garden. I was just blowing off steam, I didn’t mean any of it. No, wait! Come back!
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Is this how my life ends? In a dark, smelly garage, alone and unloved? Forgotten by humanity? I wasn’t done living yet. So many things I still wanted to do. I wonder if Mom and The Viking will miss me? Sure, I’m a pain in the ass, but I’m adorable, too. And Teddy….who’s going to bully him? Without me, he’ll relax and become fat and lazy. He’ll sleep with Mom every night. I can’t believe this is my end – it’s so boring. I wanted to go out with a bang, something memorable like taking Hostages in an armed standoff, something every cat will tell stories about. I wanted to become a Legend!
What was that? Is that Mom? Wishful thinking? Am I saved? I’m not taking any chances – my Lady Parts are still uncomfortable. I’m hiding in case it’s a ruse for another round of Pattycake.
IT IS MOM!!
Mom!! I’m coming Mom!! You won’t believe what happened! This guy….he has a Cat Trap and he caught me! I’m so happy to see you. I love you so much.
Pick me up so I can give him the stink eye. I told him you would fuck him up, so go ahead. Hit him!! Just smack him one! Right in the lips. Or the throat! Yeah….the throat! I want to see him writhe in pain and despair and wish he was never born. I want to see blood. Lots and lots of blood.
Why are you being so nice to this Monster?! You are supposed to avenge my mistreatment, not thank him for calling! What kind of a Savior are you?! Geezus! Where’s The Viking? He’d smack this guy. Probably several times. He understands vengeance, it’s in his DNA. Mayhem is second nature to him, and I bet he’ll come and open a Can of Whoop Ass on this guy.
What? We’re just leaving? Without even cursing him? That’s the least you could do, you know. Curse his children at a bare minimum.
Well, shit. I’m walking home. No, I don’t want to ride in the car, Traitor. I’m telling The Viking that you’re useless – he should know what kind of person he’s married too. Benedict Arnold.
Oh! And don’t you whisper a word of this to Teddy. Seriously. I’ll have to kill him if you do.
Geezus. What a fucking night!
Note: So…..the family lost their cat and decided to try to catch it with a Cat Trap. Yes. A Cat Trap. I don’t even know where to start with that so I’m just going to let it go. On the other hand, they did brave life and limb to read Izzie’s tag and give us a call. Thank Gawd. Also, this is the best scenario for Izzie’s first – and hopefully last – experience with a Cat Trap. Generally speaking, Cat Traps are a death sentence to animals caught in them because that’s the main purpose of them. She’s a smart girl though so maybe she’ll be more suspicious of free food from now on.
She wouldn’t ride in the car, but I rolled the car window down and called her and she followed it all the way home. She was pretty scared and hasn’t left my side for the past three days, however today, she’s back to bullying Teddy so I think she’s getting over it.
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