Oh. Hey. Welcome to Coffee.
Yes, I am a little depressed.
Because I’m the worst Villain in recorded history, that’s why.
Well, it was my birthday on the second of April and The Viking and I celebrated it like we usually do – getting drunk and telling each other our inner most feelings. We then further celebrate for two more days by lying around the house with hang overs. It isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but it works for us. No, that’s not why I’m depressed.
I’m depressed because I noticed something. Maybe it was because I was kind of drunk or maybe it was one of those random things that suddenly occur to me. Whatever the reason, I realized it when I was dishing up the Birthday Cheesecake.
I have a Demon. And it’s evil. But such a sissy evil that it may as well not be evil at all!
You see, the tip of the first piece stuck to the tip of the second piece and that second piece was my piece!
I made that determination before I ever began dishing it up. I would serve The Viking the first piece and I would take the second piece, because I’m generous like that. There was no way I could have foreseen this eventuality. But now his piece had a jagged, square tip instead of the nice point and my tip had a bite-sized raggedy knob jutting off to the right.
I should carefully and surgically remove the extra tip from my piece and stick it back on his piece. That’s the proper thing to do. My angelic side voted for this immediately.
But wait! Let’s not be hasty here. The Viking isn’t even paying attention. He would be none the wiser if I pinched the end of his piece into a tip. I could still remove the extra bit from my piece but then eat it quick so he wouldn’t notice the discrepancy. He’s drunk. I’m drunk. I think I could pull it off. He wouldn’t see that my piece was bigger than his piece, especially if I tilt my plate a little bit to obscure his view. The Demon voted for this option before I was even done thinking it.
The Angel disagreed. No. Put the tip back on his piece.
But it’s Cheesecake! Strawberry Swirl Cheesecake!
Under the rules of the Jungle possession is 9/10th of the law, you snooze you lose, what happens on the counter stays on the counter, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, waste not want not.
On the other hand…..do unto others as you would have them do unto you, once a thief always a thief and what would Christopher Walken do? Hmm….maybe he’s not a good subject because I have a feeling that Chris would eat the entire Birthday Cheesecake and leave without saying a word.
But I gave The Viking the bigger pieces of fish the other night because I know he loves fish more than I love fish even though I was just as hungry as he was! And I let him take more potatoes last week! I always give him the bigger share and I’m happy to do it! That should buy me a little bit of Karma. I even let him drive my car. Unsupervised! All the time!
However, maybe Karma gave me the tip of The Viking’s Cheesecake because I always try to do the right thing. Maybe it’s a reward and if I give it back it could be misconstrued. I think there is a rule out there, somewhere, that to ignore a gift from Karma is insulting and she may never give me a gift again.
I might have given in to the Demon at that point except the Angel brought my attention to a recent event that wasn’t my most shining moment.
Shit!!
A few weeks ago I split my Easter Bunny Poo with The Viking and there was an odd number of Poo Pieces so someone had to take that last one. He was so busy watching TV he didn’t notice that I took the last one. I felt guilty about it, but it’s not like it was licorice! I would have given him the last licorice because I know how much he loves it.
What if I used all my stored-up Karma by eating that extra Poo and this is a Karma-y test? That would be just like Karma! Use Easter Bunny Poo against me. That’s the problem with these ephemeral concepts – you never know what is going to come back and bite you in the ass.
“Do you need a hand, Babe?” Said The Viking. Apparently my ruminations were taking more time than I thought.
“No. I was just thinking.”
He knows better than to wade into that trap. In the end, I took the extra tip off my piece and put it back on his piece and served it before I could change my mind. So my Demon is such a wuss it couldn’t even win me an extra bite of Cheesecake! And that’s fucking depressing.
But who knows? Maybe this one little thing will let me win the Lottery?
Thanks as always to Part-Time Monster and Nerd in the Brain for hosting Weekend Coffee Share. You guys rock.