Shit. Show.

It’s been a while since I posted anything so thought I should make an effort.  I’m not being lazy.  Honest.  I’m just trying to survive information overload.

The current task is learning how to get a store on eBay and listing 11,389,421 motorcycle parts The Viking has been hoarding for years, and that’s not nothing.  In fact, it’s terrifying.  I’m not famous for meticulous attention to detail which is exactly what is needed now.

I’ve created an Excel Database for every part with cross-references to the box where I’ve put it.  I also need to find a reasonable price for each item, take pictures of it, and then list it on Ebay.  It gets more complicated when I’m dealing with 14 billion Piston Rings because the Part Numbers are all very similar and it’s easy to Dyslexia my way into a colossal mess.  And guess how easy it is to differentiate one Piston Ring from another Piston Ring in a thousand pictures of Piston Rings?  It’s a nightmare.

It wouldn’t be too bad if I were working in a solitary little room with no interruptions but fat chance of that.  I’m answering phones, booking customer appointments, keeping customer names, phone numbers, machines, and work requests up-to-date, invoicing, planning meals, shopping for groceries, doing laundry, washing dishes, shouting at a cat (guess which one), entertaining The Viking when he comes into the house for a break, and cooking.  Guess how many of these things I’m doing well?  That’s right.  Nothing.  Except shouting at Izzie – after 5 years it’s an instinctive response that requires only a functioning subconsciousness.  Did I mention that Christmas is coming and I haven’t started baking or decorating?

And while I’m balancing all of that crap, Computer and Brother Printer have declared war on each other and all past treaties have been vacated.  I now need to restart Computer so he (yes, it’s a ‘he’) will ‘politely’ ask Brother Printer to make a small effort to do what he’s (yes, it’s a ‘he’, too) supposed to do.  Not to be left out of the fun Office 365, a staunch Anarchist, has taken advantage of the chaos and now requires a ‘Repair’ every time Computer restarts or Windows updates.

So yesterday, while I was up to my eyeballs in Piston Rings, a customer came to pay his bill and pick up his machine and a colossal shitshow ensued.  Three-quarters of my brain was dealing with Database while the rest of my brain tried to address a revision to his invoice and a reprint.  Sage (Simply Accounting) takes F.O.R.E.V.E.R to open and then when the revision was finished, Sage asked Computer to politely ask Brother Printer to print the new invoice but maybe he didn’t ask nicely enough because Brother Printer said “Is that you, Computer? Fuck off!  I’m OFFLINE!”

I apologize to Customer and tell him it will only take a minute to restart Computer.  I had to save and close Sage which takes F.O.R.E.V.E.R and Outlook (which contains all of our customers & scheduling) and Excel (which is Database) before I could initiate the restart.   Finger tapping.  Apologizing.  Heavy sighing.  Finally!  We are in business.  Except, Brother Printer was more pissed than I thought because he still wouldn’t print the invoice!

Customer says, “I’m in a hurry.”  Well, of course, he is!!  And, just to make the situation better, here comes Hot Flash because what kind of a clusterfuck is complete without a Hot Flash?!!

Okay, new plan.  Let me get Customer’s email address and I’ll send the invoice as soon as Brother Printer and Computer resume relations.  I try to open Outlook to enter his email address and Office 365 says “Fuck off!  You don’t own me!  UNKNOWN ERROR!”  Stove took the opportunity to inform me, loudly and condescendingly, that the cake in the oven was finished cooking.  BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.  And the patch of eczema on my right ass cheek started to itch.

I looked at the customer.  Blink.  And blink.  BEEP BEEP BEEP!  And blink.  Brain froze and Left Eyelid started to twitch.  The customer now needed three-quarters of my brain but Database, Piston Rings, Brother Printer and Office 365 refused to leave the Shit Show.  I was now operating with a three-quarter brain deficit.  BEEP BEEP BEEP.  DO NOT SCRATCH YOUR ASS!

“I….um….sorry…what?  Um…..”  Come on!  Say something!  Customer is looking at me in alarm.  “Um….sorry….”  For FUCKSAKE!!  Stop blinking at him!

I finally wrote his email on a piston ring box and shoved his credit card receipt at him.  He fled.

I scratched my eczema ass on the way to shut off Gawd-Damned Oven!  At that point, I decided it was in everyone’s best interest if I took a Time-Out for reflection and the pursuit of peace.  It’s too bad that the Boss frowns on Daytime Drinking because a couple of stiff drinks would really taste good.