You might not know this, but Ketchup has become public enemy #1 around here. Well, not the Ketchup exactly, but the squeezable Ketchup jug. I don’t know the person who designed the squeezable jug with the bum-hole in the lid, but he/she should know that The Viking isn’t a fan.
Obviously, French’s or Heinz’s jugs weren’t designed for Vikings. There’s no finesse, no attention to detail, no compliance to Danish standards. How is The Viking supposed to put the exact amount of Ketchup on his Hot Dog with a brute jug that is designed to put the maximum amount of Ketchup in the shortest amount of time? It takes significant force to open the bum-hole and then Ketchup explodes from the jug like it was launched from a fire hose. That’s no way to apply a delicate amount of Ketchup.
A Danish Hot Dog is a masterpiece of flavors, from the wiener to the sweet pickles to the deep-fried onions. A massive glop of Ketchup completely ruins the delicate balance and makes The Viking shout and occasionally throw the entire Hot Dog in the garbage while verbally abusing the designer of said Applicator at the top of his lungs.
The Danish Hot Dog requires a warm, crusty bun, an authentic European wiener, a consistent, thin line of Ketchup down the center of the wiener, followed by a thicker but still consistent line of Remoulade. Finely chopped onions top the condiments, then Agurkasalat (Danish sweet pickles and only Danish sweet pickles) and the fried onions crown the masterpiece. Any slight anomaly is an epic disaster. The onions must be chopped incredibly fine, the Remoulade at the peak of freshness, the bun crusty – not soggy (dear Gawd, no sogginess!). It’s a complex and finely tuned balance. Putting a man on the moon is easier than making a perfect Danish Hot Dog.
Necessity is the mother of invention though, so The Viking pondered the situation for several years until one day a light bulb appeared over his head while we were having lunch. He was violently shaking the Remoulade container to get every last bit of the delicious condiment out of the small, perfectly round hole in the lid.
“Waaait a minute! That hole is the perfect size for Ketchup Application on my Hot Dog!! What if we washed out the Precision Remoulade Applicating Device and made it into a Precision Ketchup Applicating Device!? Not only is the hole size perfect but only the slightest pressure provides a glorious line of delightful Ketchup.”
And…..he doesn’t have to verbally abuse the bum-hole anymore. It’s a win-win.
On the other hand, I admired the person who invented the plastic jug with the bum-hole lid. I washed it out and saved it for future use. That future arrived yesterday when I made a lovely salad and Cider Vinaigrette. I immediately thought of the decommissioned Ketchup jug as the perfect vessel for my Vinaigrette.
I dished salad onto my plate, gently added grated, 2-year-old Canadian cheddar and picked up the Precision Cider Vinaigrette Application Device. I squeezed the jug softly, careful to not over-vinaigrette. Nothing came out. I squeezed it just a touch harder. Nothing. I added more pressure. That damned bum-hole was tight! I was getting nervous so squeezed just the slightest bit more. Suddenly, the bum-hole opened, a beautiful arc of Vinaigrette launched over my plate, over the table and laid down a precise line across the kitchen floor.
“FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!”
Oops! The Viking, sitting in the family room with his plate, heard me and wanted to know what was wrong.
“Nothing. Nothing at all. Just eat your dinner.”
Because there is no fucking way that I’m going to let him know what a damned catastrophe that stupid Ketchup jug is! He’ll laugh for most of the coming week!
The moral of this story: Jugs with bum-hole lids are never to be trusted.
Dear you,
It is so good to read you again!! I was about to write to check if everything was good at your end of the country 😉 This made me smile a lot… first because it is you, and unlike a lot of your readers (I presume) I know EXACTLY what you are talking about! Danish dogs are a culinary artwork that can’t be taken lightly!
Now, you got me sooooo hungry for one… Awww I just want to jump in a plane, take the metro to downtown København and run to the nearest hotdog stand!!
I hope you and the Viking are doing well!! *Mega hugs*
I’m cautiously optimistic that I’m on the up-swing. It’s been many years since I’ve been so low but, luckily, I have amazing blogging friends.
I would be on that plane with you to Københaven!
We are fine here and hope you are well, too. Huge hugs and luvs, my friend.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen ketchup jug, but good try repurposing it–glad to hear The Viking is satisfied with his new contraption! Those hot dogs do look pretty good, so I can see why he’s so finicky!
I cannot over-emphasize the deliciousness of Danish Hot Dogs. No other hot dog can compare. :o) Perhaps I should have said ‘bottle’ instead of ‘jug’ but it’s plastic – like the one in the picture. It doesn’t matter how careful you are, the ketchup is going to come out in a big glop. :o)
Hey, great to hear from you! These ketchup bottles need to be recalled as they cause fits of rage! LOL I hate that design and will never buy them again.. I can do without a half gallon of ketchup on whatever I’m eating.
Hope you’re doing well!
The Viking feels the same way. :o) Perhaps I need to write a letter addressing the problems with the Ketchup companies. Who knows? Maybe it will change the world. :o)
Thanks for stopping by Kathleen. I love hearing from you.
I remember when those butthole ketchup containers first came out. I thought they were ingenious and still kind of do…right up until you get about two thirds of the way through the bottle, at which point the Ketchup Vortex Effect comes into play and you suddenly have no guarantee whether a squeeze of the bottle will yield the clean jet of ketchup you desire or if it will instead produce a fine aerosol spray of the stuff that blankets you and everything you love with watery pinkish-red dots.
So TRUE!! And then The Viking thinks it’s blood and says, “What have you done, now?!” Maybe if they didn’t make the Sphincter so tight? That doesn’t solve the Vortex Effect though.
I thought we were alone in our eternal battle with the bum-hole lid, but it appears that many others are part of the war, too. I feel better now. :o)
Oh my gosh! Holy crap! That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time! One teensy thing: Google apparently doesn’t grok your spelling of that Danish cucumber mess, and it offers up the following spelling: agurkesalat.
On the subject of Danish pickles, why for the love of f*ck does Damnark not want dill pickles? C’mon, Damnark, we know you use dill on potatoes at least, so why leave the cucumber out of the game? Dill is even a natural carminative, meaning that it’s a fart killer. No, it doesn’t make your farts into weapons-grade gas, but it makes you not flatulate all about the place! (‘Dild’ being the Damnish spelling of the herb is altogether too near to the word ‘dildo’ for me to not start giggling! Okay, I’m giggling already!)
Good to see you back again!
What the fuck?! Dill is a fart killer?! Why haven’t I heard of that before now? I have an ex-husband and a son I could have de-smelled and nobody thought to tell me about dill? I would have shoved dill into every meal.
Also, I did not know that dill was spelled d-i-l-d in Danish and I interrogated The Viking about it. Would you believe that he has never thought that an ‘o’ was the only thing keeping dill from being labelled an ‘R’ rated word? Well, I know it now…..thank you Gale. :o)
Thanks for stopping by. :o)