My First Stalking Victim

There is a woman who lives in my neighbourhood and I really want to stalk her but not in a bad way. I live in the city so I see a lot of people every day and I almost never want to stalk them.  I noticed her last summer so I think she probably just moved into the neighbourhood.  She had a pretty blue dress on that ended right at her knees.  She has medium-length black hair, a very large butt, a prominent nose and isn’t particularly beautiful but I was captivated!

She didn’t just walk, she strolled…….like a 1950s movie star or an Italian Diva with all the time in the world.  She had a parasol – yes! a black, lace parasol – opened and the stem resting on her shoulder while twirling it slowly – totally a movie cliché.  That wasn’t what caught my eye though it was her body language screaming SEX APPEAL!  I was just driving by but I couldn’t look away.  She was majestic and beautiful and seductive and I really just wanted to pull over and talk to her. How did she learn to walk like that?! I saw her every day for a couple of weeks and then not again until just the other day.  It’s winter now so she was bundled up in a wool coat and black boots and a vintage wool hat.  She was carrying a bag of groceries but she was still strolling, still exuding that amazing sensuality.  She’s irresistible and interesting and I’m sure there is a story there!  Is she married?  Does she have a job?  Where does she live?  What is her name?  I bet it’s something like Jacquelyn or Maria Therese complete with a French or Italian accent.  Does she talk like Bette Davis (please, please talk like Bette Davis!) because that would be the coolest thing ever!  Will she be my friend and teach me how to walk like that?

REALITY CHECK: Even if I know how to walk like that I absolutely never will unless I am really drunk in which case the staggering may ruin the total affect anyway.  Besides, when I’m drunk I like to practice Olympic Speed Walking; it gets me to the cold drinks faster.  Before you read any further, follow this link:  Women’s Speed Walking – begin at 20 seconds.  That’s hysterical and bars would be much more fun if that’s the way everyone walked to get another Strawberry Daiquiri.  Come to think of it the whole world would be more fun if everyone walked like that all the time.

Hmmm…..what was I talking about? Oh, yes!  The woman I want to stalk.  Now that I’m actually thinking it through, it’s probably for the best that I never actually meet my victim.  Things rarely live up to the expectations I set, like my new haircut or Teriyaki Beef with red peppers and onions on a bed of rice – don’t even ask.  This woman’s name could be something like Mabel and she might say things like ‘axed’ and ‘unthawed’.  Better to just let her stay mysterious and amazing in my mind.