Oh. Hey. Welcome to Coffee.
Yes, I am a little depressed.
Because I’m the worst Villain in recorded history, that’s why.
Well, it was my birthday on the second of April and The Viking and I celebrated it like we usually do – getting drunk and telling each other our inner most feelings. We then further celebrate for two more days by lying around the house with hang overs. It isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but it works for us. No, that’s not why I’m depressed.
I’m depressed because I noticed something. Maybe it was because I was kind of drunk or maybe it was one of those random things that suddenly occur to me. Whatever the reason, I realized it when I was dishing up the Birthday Cheesecake.
I have a Demon. And it’s evil. But such a sissy evil that it may as well not be evil at all!
You see, the tip of the first piece stuck to the tip of the second piece and that second piece was my piece!
I made that determination before I ever began dishing it up. I would serve The Viking the first piece and I would take the second piece, because I’m generous like that. There was no way I could have foreseen this eventuality. But now his piece had a jagged, square tip instead of the nice point and my tip had a bite-sized raggedy knob jutting off to the right.
I should carefully and surgically remove the extra tip from my piece and stick it back on his piece. That’s the proper thing to do. My angelic side voted for this immediately.
But wait! Let’s not be hasty here. The Viking isn’t even paying attention. He would be none the wiser if I pinched the end of his piece into a tip. I could still remove the extra bit from my piece but then eat it quick so he wouldn’t notice the discrepancy. He’s drunk. I’m drunk. I think I could pull it off. He wouldn’t see that my piece was bigger than his piece, especially if I tilt my plate a little bit to obscure his view. The Demon voted for this option before I was even done thinking it.
The Angel disagreed. No. Put the tip back on his piece.
But it’s Cheesecake! Strawberry Swirl Cheesecake!
Under the rules of the Jungle possession is 9/10th of the law, you snooze you lose, what happens on the counter stays on the counter, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, waste not want not.
On the other hand…..do unto others as you would have them do unto you, once a thief always a thief and what would Christopher Walken do? Hmm….maybe he’s not a good subject because I have a feeling that Chris would eat the entire Birthday Cheesecake and leave without saying a word.
But I gave The Viking the bigger pieces of fish the other night because I know he loves fish more than I love fish even though I was just as hungry as he was! And I let him take more potatoes last week! I always give him the bigger share and I’m happy to do it! That should buy me a little bit of Karma. I even let him drive my car. Unsupervised! All the time!
However, maybe Karma gave me the tip of The Viking’s Cheesecake because I always try to do the right thing. Maybe it’s a reward and if I give it back it could be misconstrued. I think there is a rule out there, somewhere, that to ignore a gift from Karma is insulting and she may never give me a gift again.
I might have given in to the Demon at that point except the Angel brought my attention to a recent event that wasn’t my most shining moment.
Shit!!
A few weeks ago I split my Easter Bunny Poo with The Viking and there was an odd number of Poo Pieces so someone had to take that last one. He was so busy watching TV he didn’t notice that I took the last one. I felt guilty about it, but it’s not like it was licorice! I would have given him the last licorice because I know how much he loves it.
What if I used all my stored-up Karma by eating that extra Poo and this is a Karma-y test? That would be just like Karma! Use Easter Bunny Poo against me. That’s the problem with these ephemeral concepts – you never know what is going to come back and bite you in the ass.
“Do you need a hand, Babe?” Said The Viking. Apparently my ruminations were taking more time than I thought.
“No. I was just thinking.”
He knows better than to wade into that trap. In the end, I took the extra tip off my piece and put it back on his piece and served it before I could change my mind. So my Demon is such a wuss it couldn’t even win me an extra bite of Cheesecake! And that’s fucking depressing.
But who knows? Maybe this one little thing will let me win the Lottery?
Thanks as always to Part-Time Monster and Nerd in the Brain for hosting Weekend Coffee Share. You guys rock.
A late happy birthday!
Now let’s see if this comment actually makes it or ends up were ever my comments go when I try to leave one here. I’m sure there’s a trick to it, since other people leave comments…. Of course this will go instead one of those really witty things (I swear they are) that I usually try to leave. We’ll see.
Thank you for the Happy Birthday and Oh! No! I wonder if other people have problems? Maybe I need to write a letter? I’m actually quite at it. :o)
I know you’re quite good at letter writing – I tried three times to post comments about your latest letter 😉 Well, hopefully my comment posting woes are over since it look like it has worked two weeks in a row!
Yay! My site has healed itself! I had a vacuum cleaner that did that once. It just wouldn’t work, and I finally gave up on it. It was on it’s way to the recyclers when I thought to give it one more try. And it worked!! It healed itself! Unfortunately, it died a week later from some unrelated (I’m sure) problem. I’ve written a letter to The Pope about cannonizing Hoover but haven’t gotten a reply yet. I’ll keep you posted. :o)
Happy Belated birthday! And also, don’t feel bad. I would like to think I’d have done the same thing, but my demon probably would have won and then I’d be wracked with anxiety over why I was such a horrible person to not give the Boy his fair share when he is the first and only man to treat me with any kind of respect or kindness in about 15 years or more. We all have our battles to fight… See you around the Coffee Share!
Thanks for the Birthday wishes Elizabeth. :o) I suppose I shouldn’t feel bad about being good but sometimes there is very good cause to be bad and if my demon is a wuss….well….that sucks. Who wants to pull out their Demon and it’s all pink and fuzzy and blows kisses when you need it to breathe fire? :o)
Love it! You’re a riot, and that’s not a compliment I throw around indiscriminately. But I think you were a tad off the mark regarding what Christopher Walken would do: he would have simply stared at you wordlessly until you became so uncomfortable that you left the room, the cake now entirely in his possession. Then he would have carefully carried it out of your house and brought it as a snack for tonight’s Russian Roulette tournament.
Thanks Paul! I can definitely see Chris staring me down – it’s those eyes! And now that he knows that my Demon is a complete wuss, he probably WOULD take the whole cake. I’m going to look into Demon Training School or maybe a Demon Replacement service because sometimes you need a real Demon, not just a sissy wearing a red suit and horns.
I think our demons must be cousins, or something like that. And you are right, it sucks, and it is depressing! I called the demon company to get another one, or maybe get a refund, and get a second angel, I could train to be bad… But they put me on hold, and obviously left me rotting on the line… and since my demon couldn’t do anything about it, we just waited there until we were all got too tired to continue to do so.
So here’s a trick, if you’re stuck with your wussy demon… Duck tape your angel’s mouth shut from time to time. You just need to carry a roll around with you (everybody should carry duck tape at all times anyway, if you’d ask me! – so dang useful!) and let the demon try to do the talking… or don’t lose time, and do the talking yourself!
Feels good! You’ll see! 😉
Duct tape the Angel?! OMG! You’re a Genius! Your Demon obviously earns his/her keep, unlike some other Demon who is painting its toenails at the moment.
Oh… And Tillykke med fødselsdagen!! I’d sing, but wether I do in French, English or Danish, I think you’d rather get kicked in the knees.
I’ll just stick with a big hug from Freezingland, and big Muuuaaahhs 🙂
Mange Tak! I love hugs. :o)
Happy belated birthday! I am the type of person who lets someone go in front of me in a long lineup and tends to sacrifice the larger piece to make someone else happy. But one time, I was catching the ferry back home, and I didn’t let someone go in front of me in the lineup. I made a conscious decision to go first because I just didn’t feel like waiting – it was my turn to go anyway, so it wasn’t like I did anything wrong. It turned out, though, that I was the VERY LAST vehicle to get on the ferry. If I had been nice, I would have had to sit for two hours and wait for the next ferry to come. I did feel kind of bad about it, but I was also really damn happy I caught that ferry (sorry about that pal)!! Now and then, you have to take the bigger piece!!
Thanks for the Birthday Wishes. :o) And good for you! Apparently your Demon knows when he needs to step up to the plate. I’m in negotiations with mine to be a bit more proactive in some situations. :o)
Happy birthday! I’m not one for cheesecake so I wouldn’t have listened to the demon.
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Thanks! And I completely understand because I’m that way about black licorice. My Demon need not even show up. :o)
Happy belated birthday! You are better than me. I would have taken the extra cheesecake. Demon or no demon, cheesecake is an everyone for themselves situation! Lol
Thanks Amie! I’ll keep that in mind if I ever meet you on the other side of a Cheesecake! LOL!
Cheesecake and real evil is another. You will be fine in the long run. Thanks for the coffee.
I’m sure I’ve never really been tested by true evil. I’m not even sure what I would do. Maybe this:
https://media.giphy.com/media/OIzAkcHOO01KU/giphy.gif
Don’t tell Ken, but my inner demon always makes me take a little extra bacon when we’re having caesar salad instead of dividing it evenly. I cooked it–it’s MY prerogative. And as I always say, “She who cuts the cheesecake keeps the tips”. Well, I don’t always say that–in fact, I just made it up, but it seems appropriate.
You are a brave woman. When it comes to bacon, it’s been my observation that its effects on men are similar to Cat Nip on cats. Also….I’m so sorry I didn’t reply sooner. Somehow I didn’t see the notification. Probably the work of my useless Demon.