Izzie’s Fight Club

It’s official.  Izzie has started a Fight Club in the neighbourhood.

If you are a follower of my blog, you are familiar with Izzie.  The worst cat on the planet.  Cranky, sarcastic, stabby, name-calling, cursing, shouting Izzie.  I’ve never had to work so hard to teach a cat not to murder me.  Or The Viking, but The Viking is a Viking and doesn’t really need me to fight his battles.

A couple weeks ago, I met a new couple who moved into the house at the end of our block, and immediately had to apologize because Izzie held them hostage, forcing them to escape through their front door.  Everyone on the block has offered the newbies advice on how to deal with Izzie which, at the end of the day, boils down to “Don’t Touch Izzie” and “Call Lori or The Viking”.

And then about 10 days ago, I noticed Izzie’s face was swollen up and a small bald spot on her nose.  I assumed she was stung by a bee – tis the season after all.  The following day, she wandered by and her nose was huge!  It looked like it was broken, and that one bald spot had multiplied to four or five.

“Izzie!  What the fuck?  Are you fighting?!”

She didn’t answer.  Apparently, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Fight Club.  The Viking and I tried to get a better look but that went about as well as you can imagine.  So, all we could do was keep an eye on her.

3 days ago, she came home in terrible shape.  Her poor nose!  She was exhausted and slept all day.  It was awful.  And like every good parent, we turned on Teddy.

“Who is she fighting with, Teddy?!  Don’t you know that you should be helping her?  Brothers don’t let their sisters get beaten up!”  Apparently, Teddy is aware of the rules of Fight Club too because he had nothing to say.  Izzie is quite a small cat – maybe 5 or 6 pounds – while Teddy is a big guy, probably 8 or 9 pounds.  He doesn’t have a scratch on him because he’s a lover, not a fighter.  And any wounds he has ever had came from Izzie.

2 days ago she came home even worse.  Night before last she must have taken a day off from Fight Club, but this morning she’s Rock Balboa.

“Who the hell are you fighting with, Izzie?!”  Geezus!  “Look at your poor face!  Fucksakes!”  It’s kind of heartbreaking to see her pretty little face mauled.  Also, her ‘love eyes’ usually look kind of terrifying but now…..well….it’s inspires one to pee themselves.  Not me or The Viking because we know her, but you definitely would consider peeing yourself.

We contemplated and quickly rejected that these might be bee stings but the only way these are bee stings is if she is willing to take it in the face over and over and over again because they taste so delicious.  I’m not buying it though – and bees sleep at night.

We can’t imagine a cat that has lived in the neighbourhood for the past 4+ years and has already come to an agreement with Izzie would suddenly become this combative.  There must to be a new element.  Enter the new cat at the end of the block – Baloshi.

After giving the situation some thought, I think I’ve figured it out.  Teddy is a home boy and he is the guardian of the yard.  Slinky, the crazy cat next door, frequently tests Teddy’s resolve by trespassing, but it’s mostly posturing and name-calling before Slinky retreats.

Izzie, on the other hand, is a free spirit and a wanderer.  The world is her oyster!  She visits everyone on the block, sometimes even beyond the block if something interesting catches her attention.  She watches a guy down the street work in his garden all afternoon.  He loves her.  She used to poop in Mark’s flower bed but once he put Cayenne Pepper in it she just sits and gives him The Stink Eye.  He loves her, too!  Even the traffic on the busy road at the end of the block stops for her.  Everyone loves the miserable little thing, including The Viking and I.  And she has managed to install herself as Queen of the World by bluster and bullying alone and no one has seriously called her bluff.  Ever.  Until now.  Baloshi.

The conflict is, most probably, about the Right of Passage.  Izzie doesn’t want to inhabit Baloshi’s yard, she just wants to wander through and maybe take a hostage or two when she’s bored, just as she’s always done.  But just try convincing her that there’s a new cat in that previously unoccupied yard who isn’t prepared to allow her access whenever the hell she feels like it.

She isn’t taking the news very well.  Queen’s don’t make exceptions for peasants.  We can’t stop her unless we lock her in the house and that’s just a recipe for disaster.  So, we inspect her face every morning in case she’s in need of emergency care and tell her in our most loving of voices…….

“Izzie, please stop using your face to hit Baloshi in the mouth.  You look like shit.  We love you but we will start calling you Rocky.  Now, go to bed.”