The Viking and I go to Arizona twice a year, usually for a month or so each time. Because we run our own company out of the house, we seldom get two days off in a row and our phone rings from 6 o’clock in the morning to 11 o’clock at night. So we take time in the spring and in the fall – our slow seasons – for ourselves.
We drive to Lake Havasu City, Arizona from Calgary, Alberta; it’s a trip of about 2300 kilometers (1430 miles) that we do in a day and a half. We actually enjoy the drive; it’s relaxing and no one is banging on the door or the phone isn’t ringing all hours of the day and night. We heave a big sigh of relief as Calgary fades behind us.
Until this trip. Because….Izzie. Here are her thoughts on her first visit to the Great Big Litter Box that is Arizona.
Oooo….what are you doing? It looks very fun. Isn’t that some of the warm laundry I enjoyed a few days ago? I think you may need my help….just let me get in and….NO! I wanted to help! Oh! Look out! Something is hanging from that thing….I’ll just get that for you! Wait! Don’t close that…I’m not done checking it out!
HEY! That’s my pooper! You can’t take that! Wait…that’s my food bowl. What in the hell is going on here? I demand an explanation immediately!! I absolutely will not leave this closet until someone does some talking. Okay, just for this treat. Well, if you are going to rub my chin….
Wow! This is different – what do you call it? It’s kind of cramped but if you let me lay on your boobs I’m happy enough. HOLY SHIT!! THIS THING MOVES AND BUMPS AND SWAYS!! I did NOT sign up for this circus! Let me out now!! This is scary shit…tery and I’m extremely upset!
BETRAYED!! CAW! CAW! Which is Eagle for ‘What the FUCK is happening!?” (She totally screams like an eagle….loudly…..when she gets upset! Seriously! A damned Eagle!)
Your chin and neck and face rubs aren’t going to fix this cluster$&#@, Missus!! And I’m surprised that you went along with such an evil scheme, Viking!! When is this going to stop?! Oh God! I don’t feel very well. Perhaps I shouldn’t have eaten that second breakfast. RALPH! RALPH! RALPH!
I can’t believe I just did that! It’s gross! Rub my face Missus. It’s your fault to begin with and it’s the least you can do. Maybe a short nap and this nightmare will be over.
IT’S NOT OVER! This isn’t funny anymore!! I’m not scared…..I have moved on to being Extremely! Pissed! Off! CAW! CAW! Which is Eagle for “I am going to fuck both of you completely up if you don’t stop this moving death trap right fucking now!”
We had to make a quick stop to pick up a couple of thing.
It’s about time you made this crate stop! Where do you think you’re going, Viking?! I’m leaving too! Damn it, Missus! Stop manhandling me all the time!
Okay. I had to have a talk with her. She can’t carry on like this for another 2200 kilometers (1370 miles)! I explained that she had her pooper, her food & water, her favorite toys and her favorite blanket and I was making my boobs available for sleeping – this is no small thing either because I get all snotty and my eyes burn. 
I also explained that we could put her in her carrier and strap her into the box of the truck if she didn’t knock it off. Her posture said “Fuck off!” but she really only had one last, ferocious hissy fit left in her.
Again? We’re moving again?! I am so pissed off right now I am actually showing you my teeth! MY TEETH! LOOK AT MY TEETH!! CAW! CAW!! Which means “I’m going to rip out your throat!” It’s not funny! I could totally kill you in your sleep!
What followed was another half hour of screeching and threats before she finally gave it all up.
Open your coat, Missus. I’m coming in for a nap! Wider! Now shut up and start chin rubbing. And by the way…..you are both Assholes!
The teeth thing was new for me. I had never seen a cat…..let alone a kitten…..actually screech out threats and show all of their teeth at the same time. A small part of me was a little intimidated because she had all the conviction of a 1300 pound panther.
Her last act of outrage was to walk from my boobs, up The Viking’s arm and deliberately poke him in the right eye. Which made me laugh and The Viking yell “What the FUCK!?” She just turned around and came back to my boobs. I had to admire the hutzpah.
After that incident, she truly did just relax and despite my concerns about travel sickness, she didn’t have another Ralph at all. She eventually
draped herself across the center console and by the time we hit Nevada she had discovered the back window which seemed to suit her as a travelling perch.
The night in the hotel was a wonderful respite when she could run and run and leap and jump and run and leap and kill several toys and run and jump and run and run until she wore herself out. Then she nosed under my covers and collapsed against my shins.
She was good in the trailer once she had sniffed her way through it, too. She sniffs a lot considering she’s a cat. I’d expect a dog to do that amount of sniffing but Izzie seems to base a lot of her decisions on the smell of things. And I suppose that’s as good a reason as any when you’re a cat.
This whole experiment could have gone directly into the toilet. She could have refused to settle down. She could have decided to poop all over the truck. She could have taken revenge on us in the trailer. She could have made our lives miserable! But…..she didn’t. Obviously she isn’t vindictive, doesn’t hold a grudge and is adaptable…..in other words, the perfect cat.
PS: The comment that Arizona is a big litter box isn’t personal. My previous cat, Maggie, walked around on her leash for exactly 52 seconds then headed back to the trailer, completely unimpressed with the scenery (What?! Where’s the grass? Trees? I’d even take a bloody shrub!) and available cat activities . In fact, she spent her entire time in Arizona giving The Viking and I stink eyes and great heaving sighs. When I thought about it, I suppose it did look kind of like a litter box to a cat.