I got up on the wrong side of the litter box today. It didn’t seem so at first; I snuggled with Missus as soon as she woke up….all on her 0wn…..without any assistance from me at all, then I had my breakfast and played with my new toy for a little while. Everything seemed perfect; just another wonderful day in paradise.
But then it wasn’t. Because the Missus started doing stuff that I didn’t approve, like playing in my litter box. She was taking poop out and putting it in a bag – the kind of bag that I like to wear around my neck while I run all over the house like Batman Catman Catwoman. I don’t like poop in those bags! So, to make my point I stuck my head through the handles of the bag and ran around the laundry room when she went to answer the phone.
She got all shouty about shit being all over the room and I got all angry and things really went off the rails. I tried to help her unpack our suitcase and she just pushed me aside like I was nothing. Then I noticed her cellphone charger and thought it looked delicious and she took it away! Then she found a box and started picking up the 4297 toys on the living room carpet, under the furniture (where I purposely put them!), in her bed and on her desk. I objected to the arbitrary decision to redecorate and told her so. Loudly and eloquently. She ignored my opinion completely.
While she was filling a spray bottle with water I noticed a plant on the side table and thought it looked perfect for burrowing – not that I am a burrowing animal but who knows? I’ve never tried it before. And guess what? I love burrowing!
Apparently the Missus didn’t like me burrowing and she plucked me out of the plant and put me on the floor.
I jumped back up and she put me back on the floor.
I gave her the stink eye plus a verbal tongue lashing and jumped back up.
She picked me up and I bit her.
She shouted ‘no!’ so I bit her harder.
Then she said ‘NO!!’ and I added my claws to the conversation.
That’s when she put me in my bed.
I came back out.
She shouted something about being angry and pushed me back in my bed.
I came back out with a barrage of insults.
She pushed me back in and held the door shut so I couldn’t get out.
Fine! I’ll take a nap!
Fifteen minutes later The Viking came in for a cup of coffee with the Missus. I decided this was the perfect time to burrow again; they woke me up after all – what did they think was going to happen? There was an altercation. And as if I didn’t have enough stuff to be cranky about, The Viking decided to poke the lion.
He ruffled my head.
I swatted him.
He laughed and ruffled me again!
I showed him my very angry tail and swatted him – claws at DefCon 3.
He ruffled, I swatted, he ruffled again and I darted to the right to attempt a bloody bite but he dodged and back and forth for a while as I’m getting more and more pissed off by the second!
Finally, I got a bite in but he just laughed and left!! Dammit! I’m all worked up with nothing to attack!
What did you just say to me, Garbage Can?! Did you just call me a pussy?! BATTLE!! I’ll shred you to pieces! You’ll be sorry you ever picked a fight with me!
Missus took the Garbage Can’s side and while she was setting it back up I walked across the table, staring at her, daring her. But when she turned, my courage deserted me and I had to run. What? She can be intimidating sometimes, and sometimes retreat is a better strategy than full-on attack.
My mood hadn’t improved though. I wandered around the house for a while but there was nothing else willing to scrap with me. Finally I went to the office. The Missus was at her desk so I walked all over her stupid keyboard. She picked me up……….
Let me just say that I sort of lost it. I don’t even know what I was thinking. Maybe I came into contact with a Honeysuckle Wood Chip or some Catnip. Or maybe I didn’t sleep very well last night. I don’t usually behave this way. I’m a lady!
……and the claws came out and the teeth got into the action and then she had me by the scruff of the neck. I was still swinging and biting for all I was worth but nothing was connecting. There wasn’t nearly enough blood involved! Unfortunately, picking me up by the scruff of my neck forces all my muscles to relax so it was just eye contact from that point on.
My eyes said I was fucking tired but too wired to sleep. Her eyes said I had better sleep or any further bloodshed would be mine.
FINE! But I’m only going to bed because I decided I wanted to go to bed. You can’t tell me what to do!
You have my sympathies. I mean, what’s wrong with a bit of burrowing? What’s wrong with a garbage can getting what it deserves? Life can be so unfair. 🙁
Thank you Bun! It’s nice to see that someone sympathizes with my plight. It turns out that I was missing my favorite toy. It broke and The Viking couldn’t fix it because I lost the other end. How could I possibly know that was the reason I was a little cranky? I’m a KITTEN! Right? Thankfully, Missus bought me another toy and all is right in my world again.