I was on my way home from the Danish Store and traffic in the right lane was crawling while everyone in the left lane was zipping so I joined the Zippers because I was getting bored. It was from the Zipping lane that I saw what was holding up traffic.
It was a minivan followed closely by a one-ton flatbed truck with its hazard lights flashing. It took me a second to realize exactly what the problem was but when I did see it, I was all what the hell?!
All four wheels on that minivan were wobbling in comic exaggeration. I mean serious wobbles I could see from a quarter of a kilometer away!
When I mentioned it to The Viking, he passed on a snippet of his brilliance.
“That’s because they’re fucking stupid. They didn’t know what they were doing when they changed their tires.”
Evidently, when you change a wheel on your vehicle, you put all the lug nuts on and tighten them individually in small increments so no one lug is tightened more than the others.
Apparently, this is a rule that you should never break. I understand this is how you are supposed to do it, but I thought it was more of a suggestion than a Carved-In-Stone Law. And I think I should be forgiven for thinking this way in the face of all the rules that are suggestions rather than Carved-In-Stone Laws. For instance:
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- Brushing your teeth in an up and down motion – that doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense to me. Even when I was a small child I didn’t believe it because aren’t you just pushing food bits further under your gums? It’s obvious that brushing side to side or in a circular motion are superior methods and I’m glad the Dental Association finally saw the error of their ways.
- Speed limits – everyone knows the speed limit, but we all know that it’s an arbitrary number someone in an office assigned decades ago based on the quality of vehicles back then. Today’s vehicles have been engineered by aliens and that old speed limit is strictly a ploy on the part of the Powers That Be to increase speeding ticket revenue. And to bore drivers to death.
- Cold medication – sure, there is a dosage suggestion on the package, but that’s totally dependent on how terrible I feel at that moment. I don’t start free-basing cold meds just because I have a sniffle. By the time I have assessed the severity of my flu symptoms and grudgingly decided I need to medicate, the two-pill dosage is obviously inadequate. I start with a double dose and work my way up until I’m rendered unconscious for the duration of the flu. Incidentally, the suggested number of Hot Rum Toddies you ingest during your suffering is woefully insufficient as well.
- Wine – how much wine I put in a recipe is totally subjective. They say ½ a cup, I say 2 ½ cups and I drink the rest of the bottle because I hate leftovers.
- Laundry detergent – if a quarter of a cup is good, then a half a cup is, logically, better.
- Hair products – see above.
- Serving sizes – once again, suggestions. The suggested serving size of Pickled Herring is categorically TOO LARGE! A quarter teaspoon is sufficient, thank you very much, followed by 3 servings of something to get the taste out of my mouth. Ice Cream, on the other hand, is a different matter. The suggested serving size of a quarter cup is laughable!* There shouldn’t even be a suggested serving size on Ice Cream and the Monster who suggested it should be jailed.
- Exit speeds – why so cautious? As long as I have two wheels on the pavement, I’m good. If someone screwed up the engineering of the exit ramp, forcing drivers to slow down far more than is reasonable, the sign should just be
**
I didn’t bother asking for clarification from The Viking. He gets all squinty around the eyes when he has to participate in this kind of conversation and it always ends with shouting and eloquent curses.
Perhaps it would be better if I just check on a case by case basis. You know, rain showers instead of a monsoon. I’m sure he’ll appreciate my thoughtfulness.
* Unless it’s Licorice Ice Cream and then the Pickled Herring size applies
** And now that I’m thinking about it, a lot of traffic signs should be just emojis. It would certainly make driving more interesting.
‘Carved-In-Stone Law’ like the Jelling Stone? Okay, not that folk in Iceland knew a thing about car wheels, cough syrup or the other things on your listicle, but if they’d had cough syrup then and there, they’d never have tried to set sail for the land we now know as America. Had they made more than a runic inscription on a stone, we might well know that land as Vinland. Discovery Channel’s ‘The Lost Vikings’ is my sole reference work for this statement, and I’m happy to give you more info if you need it!
‘“That’s because they’re fucking stupid. They didn’t know what they were doing when they changed their tires.”’
Righty-ho on that one! Never mess with a Dane when it comes to changing tires, as it’s something they do or have done for them twice a year! Changes from ‘summer-time’ to ‘winter-time’ and back again affect more than just the clocks in Damnark. Summer tires come out of their winter slumber, like bears, but unlike bears, they’re ready to take on the roads. Winter tires come out of their summer slumber — oh, right, bears again! bears get all the attention…
But changing tires, on even a biennial schedule, doesn’t result in the stupidity we now see before us. Tires aren’t the same as wheels, as has probably been gestured to (not pointed out, as that might be too callous to do to a gentle Dane (I’ll be hiding here, untouchable and snickering))
Onwards I go!
‘suggested serving size of Pickled Herring is categorically TOO LARGE!‘
Oh, I very much agree with you on that! In its plethora at any Danish holiday celebration, pickled herring should instead have been drawn and quartered, but then it still would have been too fishy for my tastes. *shudder*
Lastly, you mention ‘the Danish Store’, which you’ve likely covered previously, so I’ll just stop using adverbs so freely — four in one sentence fragment! — and go check your site. Hee!
Good catch! I said tires when I should have said wheels. 🙂 As for the “Danish Store”….it’s called Alpine Sausage and it’s in Calgary. It was originally owned by Elsbeth and Soren – a Danish couple who started the store about 25 years earlier. They made all their own Rullepolse and Medisterpolse and imported lots of Danish food and did a booming business. They sold the store about 4 years ago and the new owner has done amazing things. If you’re interested, here is the link to their website:
http://alpinesausage.ca/home.php
Thanks for stopping by, Gale. It’s always such a pleasure to hear from you. 😘
Oh! One more thing!
‘Unless it’s Licorice Ice Cream and then the Pickled Herring size applies.’
But licorice tea is surprisingly good! If you’ve not yet tried it, do!
I bought some Licorice Tea for The Viking and it has languished in the cupboard for over a year now. 😄 Perhaps I’ll give it a try.
I can well recommend it, as it has none of the taste associated with the usual licorice!
Please, please, pretty please do a post that is completely made up of Traffic Sign Emojis. I would love you eternally. Even more than I already do.
Hmmmm……I’ll have to think about that. 😂 It would be hysterical. Nice to see you Susan.
Emoji traffic signs would be awesome. And licorice ice cream definitely requiring 3 servings of something else, following. 🙂 Thanks as always, for the laughs!
Hi Kathleen! If I ever figure out how to make them, I definitely will make up some Emoji Traffic Sign. 😉 Thanks for stopping by.
I agree that most rules are simply suggestions but I especially love your take on cooking with wine, which is now a definite rule!
I’m particularly proud of that suggestion. 😂 It’s so easy to justify.
I wanna know why everyone else can leave supe long comments andthey are accepted whereas mine are flushed?
I’m.wirh ya – serving sizes are arbitrary…😁
I didn’t have to fetch you out of the trash this time! That’s great news. On the other hand, a different person ended up there for the first time ever. Admins can’t figure it out, either. 💖 Love ya, SFAM!