I’m Cranky Today

I’m kind of cranky today. I hate days like that.  I’m usually perfectly content and happy and roll with the occasional punches.  Not today though.  I’m tired because I had a shitty sleep last night and my shoulders and neck are sore, that space between my eyebrows has a headache and I have a slight stomach ache.  I should probably be wearing warning labels.  If I did they would say:

• KEEP BACK 30 METERS…..or further. Yes, further is better.
• DANGER OF BALLISTIC MISSILES….some may actually explode on impact.
• DO NOT ENGAGE THIS PERSON….unless you have doughnuts….or chocolate cake.
• BEWARE OF HIDDEN WEAPONS….actually just beware of any weapon, hidden or otherwise.
• SUSPEND ALL REQUESTS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE….seriously, don’t ask me for a damned thing.

I’m sure there are more labels I should be wearing but I’m too cranky to think of them. You’ll just have to trust me that I’m not fit company for anyone.  The Viking took one look at me and said, “Go back to bed”, which is his standard response to any indication of grumpiness on my part.  He’ll stay in the garage all day as well, in order to limit his exposure and he’ll warn off anyone foolish enough to approach the house from the rear.

Oddly, I appreciate his caution. It makes me feel dangerous and powerful – when a Viking is afraid of you, you know you’re a badass.  I’m actually no more dangerous than a titmouse (I’m not sure how dangerous a titmouse is but it sounds harmless and I’m in no mood to research it), but it’s nice to know I project the essence of danger.

And, while I may not be much of a danger to The Viking, the fucking Raven that is pecking at the security camera had better find a different hobby or there may be a massacre. As should the person with the dog that leaves shit on our lawn – it’s probably the dog’s shit but I’m not jumping to any conclusions.  Today is probably not the best time for the following to happen either:

• Another religious person knocking on the door wanting to talk about my faith.
• A Just Energy representative checking if we have the lowest rates possible because apparently the ONLY WAY TO GET THE BEST PRICE IS IF YOU TALK WITH THEIR SALES PEOPLE WHO COME TO YOUR HOUSE ONCE A MONTH!!
• A certain political party calling to ask for my donation so they can launch their ‘comeback’.
• A Nigerian calling to tell me that Microsoft is concerned about a virus on my computer and that I should give him my IP Address, my credit card number, my bank account number and all my passwords. Fuck you.
• Kids trying to sell me cookies. I’m on a low carb diet and don’t want any fucking cookies! Or maybe I do want those cookies but can’t have them so you’re really just torturing me! Either way, offering ridiculously over-priced and terrible tasting cookies isn’t a good idea today.

And now all I really want to do is go back to bed but I’m not going back to bed because The Viking told me to and I’m not a child.