The Viking did something stupid. You’re shocked, aren’t you? Me, too! He never does stupid things and I should feel better knowing that he is just as capable as I am even though he prefers not to exercise his ability as often as I do. But I don’t feel better. Not at the moment. Because his Stupid caused me bodily injury that may end with amputation.
In our efforts to down-size and simplify, we sold our fifth-wheel trailer and my Seadoo. We would have sold his Seadoo as well, but it has been upgraded and pimped out until no amateur should attempt to ride it. The Viking blew it up twice in the space of two years and he’s an expert. So, rather than sell the ‘Doo to a rookie, he decided to take it all apart, put in all the stock parts again and then sell it. Except we suddenly got busy and there was no time to finish the job. Meaning…..the garage is a maze of Seadoo parts and we have snowmobiles to work on!
So, we did what any reasonable people would do – we brought the guts of the Seadoo into the house so he has more room to work in the garage. It is our bread and butter, after all.
Now, there is a pile of stuff right in the middle of the area where I spend 90% of my time. And guess what? I stubbed my fucking foot on the biggest and heaviest piece while I was hurrying to let Izzie outside. She was shouting abuse and calling me names…..as usual.
“SHIT! Sonofabitch! Mo…erfu….er! Stupid, fucking shit! Ahhhhhhh!!”
I’ve stubbed my toes many, many times before and the pain usually goes away after a few minutes. Not this time. This time the pain didn’t go away. When The Viking came in the house, I informed him that his Stupid broke my toe. He didn’t have any concern at all, so I pulled off my sock, plopped my leg on the kitchen counter and showed him my toe who was already busy turning purple. He still didn’t seem concerned!
Am I living in ‘Bizarro World’? My toe is turning purple! If I didn’t live here I would have grounds to sue. We’ve been binge-watching ‘Suits’ and I would totally have a case.
I stewed for several hours. Watching ‘Suits’, of course. I was hoping my toe was busy getting huge and ugly and alarming so he would feel terrible for not caring. When The Viking got up to visit the bathroom I whipped off my sock to see how it was coming along. That fucking traitor didn’t look any worse than it did 3 hours ago! Curse my superior healing genes!!
I poked it a couple of times and explained that it needed to up its game. I needed some sympathy, dammit!
Just before bed, I waved my toe in front of The Viking’s face.
Me: “I think it’s broken. The knuckle closest to the toe nail.”
Him (not even looking): “That happens to me 10 times a day and I never even mention it.”
Me: “You always get sympathy! I’m the most sympathetic asshole around!”
Him (not even looking): …….
I never should have told him what my father used to say…..”You know where to find sympathy? Between Shit and Syphilis in the dictionary.” Obviously, The Viking decided to pay attention to that one thing in all the other things I’ve said over the years.
Well, one good turn deserves another. Just wait until he has an injury that may end in amputation! I’m not going to even look at it. I won’t even fetch a Band-Aid. When he gets sick I’m not going to make him some Neo-Citran! He could be on his deathbed and I’ll just go shopping or something. I’ll make Mexican food* and eat it right in front of him when he has the Flu. I’ll turn the heat down and refuse to get him a blanket! That will teach him. As he’s sitting there with chattering teeth I’ll just say “Remember my toe? Touche!”
Except he’ll probably win the way he always does. He’ll probably go and actually die and I won’t get any revenge at all! That’s just how he rolls. But he who laughs last…..
I’ll bury him with the things he hates the most – a snow shovel and cigarette butts and pumpkin pie and pancakes and every one of Michael Buble’s CDs! I’ll make mashed potatoes instead of boiled potatoes to serve with the pork roast at his Memorial Service**! And I won’t put his Battle Axe with him so he won’t be allowed in Valhalla! How do you like my toe now?
*According to Mim, Mexican food is the worst when you’re nauseous. She knows this because she made it for her husband when he had the flu because he had no sympathy for her when she was sick. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree, did it?
**You probably won’t get this unless you’re Danish but serving mashed potatoes with pork roast is akin to murdering puppies. Trust me. I made this mistake once. Once. The Viking will roll in his grave!
This is some world class venting! Hilarious (except the part about your pain, this is). Your father’s saying are truly words to live by!
My father is full of sage advice…..for any given occasion. 🙂 As for my venting,….sometimes a girl’s gotta vent. Especially when one’s toe may need to be amputated. Good news though – my toe is recuperating nicely. 😉
Aw, poor you! Don’t forget the eulogy–there’s no better revenge for a lack of sympathy in life by attributing things to him that he never did or said. Ken knows to watch his step or I’ll tell everybody at the funeral that he was a closet smoker with a terrible sense of direction whose favourite expression was “Tick Tock, M*therf*cker”!
Haha! I’ll have to give that some thought. Thanks for the inspiration! 😉
Holy sh!tballs! Hope they don’t have to whack off your whole toe. They’re good for balance!
Sadly, my toe healed very quickly. Without garnering any sympathy whatsoever. 🙄 I may have to make a flowchart for The Viking so he knows when sympathy is warranted and pampering required.
Oh! As for mashed potatoes with pork roast, my Dane says he’s never heard of this being a mistake or any problem at all. Gotta wonder whether its being like puppy-murdering is based on location, like where someone grew up.
You might be right. Maybe it varies from Dane to Dane and MY Dane is a traditionalist. 😃
I broke my toe tripping over the dog who I was attempting to let outside. Got caught on the base of the armchair I was passing while trying not to step on tiny dog. Not fun. Especially since it’s such a small break that there’s really nothing anyone can or will do to fix it, so you just have to suffer by hobbling slightly for the next couple of weeks.
Ouch! Healing quickly is the least that toe can do, and I’m happy to report that it did just that. The next best thing after sympathy is a fast recovery. 😉 Hopefully your toe took healing seriously and you didn’t have to hobble around too long. 🙂