Gritty Determination

It was my birthday on April 2^nd.  It’s worth noting that I missed being an official Fool by 6 hours.  It was a close call, but I planted my tiny feet on either side of the cervix and clung to the walls of the womb with nothing short of gritty determination despite Mom’s resolve to terminate my lease.  Apparently, I was over-due and some evil individual told her that drinking Cod Liver Oil would induce labour.  In my opinion, it was a terrible suggestion even if it was effective.  As a result, I developed a lifelong dislike of any fish that tastes like fish before I even vacated the womb.  Also, had it not been for that meddling Do-Gooder, I could have hung in there for an additional 2 or 3 days for a Larger-Than-6-Hour April’s Fool Buffer Zone.  Mom has been refusing to name the Meddling Do-Gooder in some misguided attempt to protect their privacy for 56 years now.

Anyway, moving on.

There is an issue in our household regarding Birthday Gifts.  Actually, it’s any gift when it comes right down to it – Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, etc. because The Viking is The Most Difficult Person To Buy A Gift For On The Entire Planet!  And that’s a problem.  His closet is full of gift clothing that he never wears.  He has 4 different pairs of slippers.  I can’t buy him tools because he has every single tool ever invented and if he doesn’t already own it, it’s junk.  Princess Auto doesn’t have Gift Cards.  He doesn’t like steering wheel covers or other vehicular accessories.  I bought him a bathrobe in 2008 and that has been the only successful gift I’ve ever managed, and he isn’t likely to wear it out any time in the near or distant future because when I buy a bathrobe, I buy a good one.  And there comes a time when Nipple Tassels, a tiara, and a Kazoo aren’t a surprise anymore.

So, I’ve declared our household a Gift Free Zone.  I hate getting a gift when I can’t give one.  Nothing makes me feel worse than the inability to reciprocate.  Therefore, I don’t want any gifts.  Instead, I try to do nice things for him and make his favorite foods.  It’s lame and unsatisfying but I do what I can.

The kicker, of course, is that The Viking doesn’t play by the rules.  Ever.  I start daily instructions a full month in advance of any gift-giving occasion.  “DON’T BUY ME ANYTHING!!  I’M SERIOUS!  IF YOU BUY ME ANYTHING I’M GOING TO THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE!”  He promises sincerely but we both know by now that he doesn’t follow instructions very well.

This year I thought we had finally come to an understanding.  He got up early, made coffee and headed for the store.  There were flowers* and the sweetest Birthday card ever.  He treated me like a Queen all day long.  By the time we went to bed and no gift had shown up I was a happy lady.

Until last week when a parcel arrived at the front door.  We get packages all the time for the business, so I handed it over to The Viking without looking at it.

“That’s not for me.  It’s for you.”

Me:  WHAT?!

Him:  It’s for you.

Me:  Impossible.  I haven’t ordered anything.

Him:  It’s still for you.

Me (squinting and scowling ferociously):  What have you done?!

Him (shrugging):  …..

Me:  You promised!!

Him:  Whatever.  Open it.

Me:  I’m not finished threatening to hit you with the box yet.  Give me at least another 13 minutes.

You know, sometimes I don’t think The Viking takes my threats seriously enough.  I put in a great amount of time and effort manufacturing the most menacing and intimidating threats possible, so would it kill him to at least act a little scared?  Honestly!  I act terrified when he utters threats in my direction, it’s just good sportsmanship to extend the same courtesy.

So, I opened it.  And it was a fucking Tablet!!  A brand-new fucking Tablet!!  Not even a Refurbished Tablet!  It’s a total Virgin!  Geezus!!  I already have a tablet.  It’s broken at the moment because I dropped it one too many times, but The Viking ordered new switches for it – they were the wrong size, but he was just going to order the right switches this time.  Had the package contained only switches I would have graciously accepted them as a Birthday gift because they only cost $3.00.  A new Tablet is stepping waaaay over the line.  Bastard.

And now I have a new Tablet that I secretly love but feel terrible about loving because I haven’t been able to give The Viking anything that he loves so much he feels terrible about receiving.

It’s a trial.  Sigh.

*I deserve flowers again!  WooHoo!!