Food that isn’t Food

I was in the grocery store the other day, cruising around the produce department hoping something would jump off the displays and into my cart with an inspiration for an amazing dinner dish…….that would cook itself and do up the dishes afterwards. I watched other shoppers who seemed so sure, like they already knew what they were making for supper.  They are probably spawns of Martha Stewart who have a month of meal plans posted on some artsy-fartsy push pin board decorated with cute sewing projects that look like vegetables.  Damn them!

I see one woman feel up an eggplant. I tried eggplant.  I tried eggplant for 3 months and not once was it edible.  It was disgusting; all mushy and snotty.  I sprinkled them with salt and let them sweat before roasting them; eventually I would stare down at their sweat and curse them for being so healthy and so not delicious.  Finally The Viking – who will eat the most colossally inedible crap that I have accidentally invented – said “I’m sorry, babe, but this eggplant tastes like shit and I can’t eat it”.

Thank God! I hate it too!  I slap one every time I pass them stacked beautifully in the cooler display…….just because.

I tried Bok Choy once too. It was even worse than eggplant!  I carefully watched a video by a sweet Asian woman on YouTube.  She promised it would be yummy.  Liar!  I slap Bok Choy, too.

And now that I’m on the subject what is it with all these other un-yummy things?

• Like Chickpeas, Lima Beans, Black Beans, and the rest of that disgusting food category? That stuff is horrible! It has the consistency of what I think poop has and it will never pass my lips unless I am being tortured by a Vegan and even then they only have to threaten it and I will spill every secret I have ever known.
• Hummus is not an acceptable dip. For anything. And yes, I know it’s made from chickpeas which I have already addressed.
• And then there is Kale. No, it doesn’t taste like spinach and shame on you for even suggesting it.
• Any kind of fermented vegetable. I’m talking about you Sauerkraut! Just because I am of mostly German descent doesn’t mean I like you. The lesser offensive Red Cabbage isn’t very palatable either.
• Couscous & Quinoa are not salad foods and there is no amount of seasoning that will make the dusty sandy taste go away.
• Polenta/Gnocchi. What are you? You look interesting on the grocery store shelf but when I bring you home you turn out to be an angry, gritty, corny thing that tastes so bad I can’t swallow and have to spit in the garbage.
• Squash. I don’t know whether to eat you or decorate with you. And there are so many different kinds of you! You are like Melons but less attractive. Oh! And Spaghetti Squash? YOU ARE NOT SPAGHETTI!

So, I ended up with cabbage – while not great, it isn’t horrible either – and a couple of pork chops. Not very inspiring, I admit, but it’s better than frozen pizza, and to hell with Martha Stewart and her creepy tribe of well-organized and crafty followers.