My Father is a Ruralite. He’s spent his entire life in rural areas and he’s picked up some colorful ‘isms’ over the years that pepper his conversations. These ‘isms’ are charming and humorous but how did they ever become part of rural vernacular? Didn’t anyone question the guy who said it for the first time? A group of dudes standing around and one of them says “Wow! That works Slicker than Goose Shit in a Tin Horn” and no one looks at the guy and says “How would you know how slick shit becomes in a tin horn, Frank?” And you know it was a guy who said it first because a woman would have said something along the lines of “Wow! That was easier than sticking your finger in bacon fat!” and every woman around her would nod in agreement because they all know exactly how easy it is to stick your finger in bacon fat.
So this is two of those ‘isms’ that I have always wondered about:
“Colder than a Witches Tit” versus “Colder than a Well-Diggers Ass”
Exactly how cold is a Witch’s Tit? If the Witch’s Tit is say -12°C but it’s only -4°C outside then it would be inaccurate to say that it’s colder than a Witch’s Tit even though it is quite cold outside. On the other hand, if the boob in question is 26°C but it’s only 22°C outside then it would be completely accurate to say it is, indeed, Colder than a Witch’s Tit even though it’s not cold outside. My father only uses these temperature related ‘isms’ when it’s very cold outside though, so I have always assumed that a Witch’s breasts are very, very cold. So:
- Who felt up the Witch to know she had a cold Tit? Did she know this person or was it some stranger in a Lab coat that just walked up to her and felt the Tit? If so, I am going to be a lot more suspicious of people in Lab coats.
- Did she mind or did they have to apologize and run away when she told her very large Warlock brother about the molestation?
- Where did they find a real, honest-to-God Witch?
- Did this person hold a thermometer against the Tit or was it put between the Tits and then the Tits squished together in order to get the reading?
- What if she had just stirred the cauldron? Her boobs might be quite warm. OR….if she’s menopausal and suffers from hot flashes the temperature of the boobs would fluctuate wildly – trust me, I know this from personal experience.
- Are all Witch’s Tits the same temperature or does it fluctuate from Witch to Witch? Accuracy matters in science.
And then there is the believability factor involving the comparison. I can understand why someone would want to feel a Witch’s Tit – there are a lot of people out there who just like boobs, even a Witch’s boob, but I have a hard time understanding a person who felt up the Well-Digger’s Ass.
Was it a woman that checked the temperature of the Well-Digger’s derriere or was it a man? And was the Well-Digger a male or a female? There is no scientific reason for wanting to know the answer to this but it would be interesting….just because.
- Was the Well-Digger in the hole when the reading was taken or did he come out of the hole? If he came out of the hole was the temperature difference taken into account? Methodology is important in science.
- Did they tuck the thermometer between the cheeks of the ass and squish them together or was the procedure more invasive? Was an apology necessary afterwards?
- Does the depth where the Well-Digger was digging have any bearing on the temperature of the Ass? Should we qualify the ‘ism’ “Colder than a Well-Diggers Ass” to “Colder than a Well-Digger’s Ass When it is 10 Feet Below Ground”? If so, who would even bother using this as their comparisons of coldness?
- So which is colder? A Well-Digger’s Ass or a Witch’s Tit? Did someone get a Witch and a Well-Digger together and then put one hand on the Ass and the other hand on the Tit and compare the temperatures? I know it’s not scientifically necessary if they’ve written their readings down, I would just really like to know.
And then I wonder if it’s really necessary to have two ‘isms’ regarding how cold it is? Shouldn’t we chose one expression to avoid a lot of the confusion? If so, my vote would be for the Witch’s Tit because there aren’t nearly as many Well-Digger’s Asses anymore – people either drill for water or hire a backhoe, right? But there are still Witches out there. With boobs. For further scientific study.