I walked past a mirror last week and thought, “Geezus! Why are my boobs so low?” And, of course, the first thing that pops into my head is that stupid little song:
Do your boobs hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder
like a continental soldier?
Do your boobs. Hang. Low?
The answer is Yes. Definitely, Yes.
It seems that my bras have, spitefully, given up the fight. All of them. At the same time! I couldn’t find a single bra that was willing to put in some effort. It’s a whole-scale mutiny! Sure, I’ve lost a little weight, but that’s no reason for a bra to stop trying. Perhaps I haven’t treated them with the respect that manufacturers insist I use – I throw them directly in the washing machine – but it’s not like I’m scrubbing them on a washboard with lye soap. If a bra can’t handle the mildly rough treatment of a washing machine on delicate cycle, it has no place in my life. I have shit to do, places to go, a Viking to annoy. I don’t have time to delicately swirl a bra in tepid water and sissy soap. I am willing to hang them to dry though, sparing them the rigors of a dryer, but that’s as far as I go.
So now I have to bra shop, and there is only one thing worse than bra shopping, and that’s swimsuit shopping. Ugh!
So, I’m test-driving bras.
The Viking: What the fuck are you doing?
Me (rolling my shoulders): I’m trying to get these stupid bra straps to sit properly on my shoulders.
Him: If it’s uncomfortable, why bother?
Me (bending over and flapping my boobs around to get them to sit nicely in the cups): Do they look pointy to you?
Him: …
Me (twisting around in front of the mirror): Gawd!! There is fat spillage over the back strap!
Him: …
Me (looking down at my boobs): Are they pointing in different directions? I’m pretty sure the left one is looking east and the right one is looking west.
Him: …
Me (bouncing up and down to judge supportive ability): What do you think? Will there be too much up and down movement when I’m walking? Side to side movement? I don’t want to be that one woman in the store whose boobs are making a spectacle of themselves.
Him: What are you doing later?
Me: When? After dinner?
Him: Or before.
Me: Why?
Him: I was just thinking that maybe I could help you get everything sorted with that bra.
Me: I’m not sure that it’s a two-person job, because only one set of hands can fit in the cups at a ti……..Ohhhhhhh!
Him (wiggling his eyebrows): Now you’re getting it.
Me: Lock the door. We aren’t expecting anyone for a while……..
Clearly, bra testing isn’t all bad. Particularly if a Viking happens to be in the room.
The. Worst. Thing. Ever. To. Shop. For.
I fucking hate it. And yanno… yes, after losing weight you MUST change (this from the one who hasn’t been bra shopping in over two years)… I’ve been procrastinating and I don’t have a willing partner to help 😉
It shouldn’t be this hard to find a good bra. We’ve put men on the moon, for heaven’s sake! And, yes, you need a partner. A spotter. Maybe a scout. Perhaps an entire fleet of partners. Someone to comb through the depths of the Bra Store, searching for prospective items, a spotter to see all the places you can’t see, a mental health professional to help you deal with the emotional fallout, a chiropractor to crack your neck and shoulders back into alignment after each unsuccessful bra attempt, and a phalanx of cheerleaders for when you’ve finally found the one elusive bra that is worth the price.
Also, why does my site hate you so much? You’re a perfectly lovely Lady. I’ve tried everything. I even called Bluehost and they can’t explain it either. It’s a total mystery. Sad face. Heart. *My right-click emojis no longer work for some stupid reason. Frowny face.
Honest to gawd. It’s torture! Unless you go into a place where the bra costs $200 and the salesperson – who is a professional bra-fitter – comes into the changing room with you and places your girls just right – no, no, please don’t be shy, this is my job – and you realise what a proper bra feels like and next thing you know – ka-ching!
I honestly don’t know. But if you ever decide to change your theme, maybe, just maybe, it won’t hate me! There is another gal I follow who could no longer do I don’t remember what so she changed and all was bootiful again. No worries. I’ll let you know when I’m dissed. 😉
Your bleeping site. My comment seems to have been too long and ended up in your spam
HA!
I knew it! I just knew it! Men just love seeing titties bouncing free! Okay, even if those titties aren’t free of anything around ‘em, then they become a challenge! Heehee!!
I can’t speak for ALL men, but The Viking does like the boobs. HAHA! And my boobs are definitely passive-aggressive. They want the kind of bra they want and anything less is unacceptable. :o)
*grumble*
My comment was: “Howl!”
Tried to put it in brackets, and it treated it like I was trying to sneak HTML in here. Sheesh.
My blog is being weird lately. I guess I’ll have to try a different template. Sad face.
I’m thinking, my dear Lori, that you might want to look at new templates… You can still keep your basic look, yanno… I mean keep the header and the colour scheme but hey, maybe you’ll find something a little less bitchy and a lot more friendly!
I’m thinking the same thing, but I’m not looking forward to it. I don’t remember how to do most of the settings and it’s a huge anxiety. Why can’t things just WORK THE WAY THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK?!!! Ahhhh!
Is there no one who could help you out? Make friends with a nerdy kid from your hood 😉
No. I’ll figure it out. There will be shouting and cursing and probably some tears, but eventually I’ll get there. :o)
You can do it! You’re a s.art cookie!!