It can be no surprise that a woman born and raised in Canada and a man raised in Denmark may have a few culture clashes. Sometimes they are just little discussions and other times they are nothing less than Shield Walls, Throwing Axes and shouted Curses. And, as you may suspect, The Viking is better at shouting curses than I am. He’s also the one who taught me every single thing I know about the Danes.
Here is a list of things that are affected by our cultural differences:
Food
Especially pork because Canadians have absolutely no idea how to cut up a pig, apparently. Also Pickled Herring, Thin brown cardboard called Rye Bread, Red Cabbage, Licorice Liqueur/Shooters/Candy and anything Cheese.
Me: What do you mean we don’t eat Turkey?! Everybody eats Turkey!
The Viking: I fucking hate Turkey. In Denmark we eat Pork Roast, Duck, Caramel Potatoes, Plain Potato chips and a side of Pickled Red Cabbage.
Me: Caramel Potatoes? That sounds horrible! You are supposed to eat Mashed Potatoes with Pork Roast! Duh!
The Viking: That’s bullshit. You never, ever, ever, ever serve Mashed Potatoes with Pork Roast. They are merely boiled – not Mashed. It’s fucking tradition!
Me: So when do I get Turkey and Stuffing and Mashed Potatoes and Corn Casserole and Sweet Potatoes and Pumpkin Pie?!
The Viking totally ignoring me: On New’s Year Eve we will have a Julefrokost.
Me: Not Turkey again?! Fuck!! Easter? What do Danes eat for Easter? Let me guess…..Pork Roast again? Ham? Thanksgiving? Nevermind, I’ll just guess.
Gifts
They don’t give gifts to each other, I guess. Gifts are a symptom of over-commercialization and spoils the true meaning of Christmas which is to watch Nisseman (Elves) on TV and then feed them a bowl of rice, boiled to a stew-like state with one almond in it; the first Nisseman that chokes to death on the almond wins a small toy. At least that’s what I think it’s all about. I find it all confusing.
Me: What?! No gifts? Where’s the fun in that?!
The Viking: It’s bullshit! You spend all your money buying junk for people who don’t even appreciate it and then you spend the next six months trying to pay it off.
Me: Not everyone does that. I’ll admit that some people do that but I don’t.
The Viking: If you want something go buy it yourself! I bought you a Dryer last month and that’s your Christmas gift!
Me: But I want to give you gifts. I would rather give one than receive one anyway.
The Viking: Not good for the fucking wallet, now is it!
Me: Sigh.
Walls
They must be painted white. Always white. Actually, everything has to be white. Kitchen cabinets, tables & chairs, carpets, dishes and flooring. Except the ceiling which is wood that has been white-washed.
Me: Why is everything so white?
The Viking: Because it’s usually overcast through the winters in Denmark and white brightens things up.
Me: What about the summer? Don’t they get blinded by the glare when it’s sunny? Don’t they lose all depth perception like people with snow blindness?
The Viking: It looks neat and clean.
Me: A lovely caramel color on the walls would look bright and neat and clean, too.
The Viking: Caramel is for Potatoes.
Me: Sigh.
Beds
They don’t share bedding. Ever. Each person has their own Duvet which they wrap themselves in to sleep. When they get up in the morning, they fold their Duvet lengthwise and lay it on the mattress.
Me: But that’s UGLY!
The Viking: Who’s going to see it?
Me: Someone might see it if they walk all the way down the hallway.
The Viking: …..
Me: Well, I would see it! It should be a beautiful room not something that would look comfortable as a University dorm room! It should be a place that exudes love!
The Viking: I don’t need a fucking room to remind me that I love you!
Me: Ack!! It’s not about that! Well it is about that but it’s also about an intimate and inviting environment, Dammit! Nothing ruins the mood for me faster than Frat Boy Décor!
The Viking: Fuck’s sake! It doesn’t look that bad!
Me: YES IT DOES! It looks awful! I want to stop and admire what a beautiful bedroom we have instead of looking away from the ugliness, shielding my eyes with my hands so I don’t get an accidental freak peek. I have to walk into the room backwards so I don’t have to look at the horribleness! Gawd!!!
Christmas Decorating
They cut out paper Nisseman and paste them all over the house. The tree is decorated with crafty woven paper heart-shaped pockets and filled with candy…..licorice, no doubt. The tree skirt is burlap. Yes, you read that right, burlap. They put real candles on the tree, light them up and then dance around it singing Christmas Carols.
Me: Wait. I can’t put all the decorations I’ve been carefully collecting for the past 25 years on the tree?
The Viking: Your decorations aren’t even Christmasy. You can put a couple on but then we should put traditional Christmas Balls and paper heart pockets on it. Mostly paper heart pockets.
Me: So I have to make these things?
The Viking: You can buy little kits with pre-cut paper at the Danish Store.
Me: So I have to make these things?
The Viking: I can help you.
Me: Do I have to fill it with Licorice or can I put something delicious in them?
The Viking: You can put whatever the fuck you want in them.
Me: I have to cut out all these Nissemen? What if I cut myself? I’ve never had to do arts and crafts that could kill me for Christmas before. Why can’t they be perforated or something to make it less Arthritis-y?
The Viking: I can help you.
Me: Somehow I doubt that. And I have to put a crudely stamped, burlap tree skirt around the tree instead of my beautiful iridescent, gold-beaded skirt?
The Viking: What does your skirt have to do with Christmas?
Me: It is embroidered with golden Christmas Trees! What makes your Burlap skirt Christmasy aside from the stamped Candle on it?!
The Viking: It’s TRADITIONAL!! Fucksakes!!
Me: There is no way our arms will reach around this tree so we can dance around it singing carols. And, by the way, that’s probably a dangerous thing for me to do. One slip of the foot and the whole house could burn down.
The Viking: We can skip that part. But we should have candles.
Me: Isn’t that a fire hazard? A passing Fireman could look in the window and see the live candles burning next to the tinder dry branches! He might think he needs to save us so breaks the window and starts throwing snow on the tree! Wait! What if it’s a brown Christmas like last year?! He might have to PEE on the TREE! I’m not cleaning that up!
The Viking: For fucksakes! We only light the candles while we are singing carols and then we blow them out!
Me: Fair warning: I only know the dirty version of the Twelve Days of Christmas.
The Viking: Sigh.
Thankfully, The Viking and I are reasonable people and I’m pretty sure I can convince him to let me have Turkey, Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes, Corn Casserole, Sweet Potatoes and Pumpkin Pie sometime in the next 5 years. After all, if the Danes and the Canadians can leave each other whiskey on a deserted but contested island for over 30 years, I should be able to have turkey.
Canadians and Danes leave each other whiskey gifts on Hans Island
PS: Once again, I learned every single thing I know about Danes from The Viking. Address all complaints to him. Thank you.
PPS: I actually love our Julefrokost! It’s just him and me but we get smashed on Akvavit and share our love and laughter and it’s amazing.
Hi there 🙂
Linda from the Cabbage Patch gave me the link to your Blog, and I’m very glad she did… I am a total Danophile, so you had me at “Viking” and I am looking forward to reading more of your posts. I had quite a few good giggles reading this one… Thanks a lot 🙂
Welcome Cyranny! Denmark is absolutely beautiful; The Viking’s family still lives there so I’ve been a couple of times. :o)