Chaos

We are apparently made out of it so it shouldn’t surprise anyone to know that I live and create chaos every single day. It’s an untamed beast that only exists because I procrastinate.  If I didn’t procrastinate I could most certainly eradicate it out of my life but then I would be bored and boring and look like Martha Stewart.

For example:  Where is the fun in opening up the fridge and not feeling a small trill of fear? What’s great about trusting that all the salad dressing hasn’t hit its best before date?  Wouldn’t we miss the “Name that Rotting Food” Game with the container on the shelf in the back?  What would The Viking have to complain about if there were no slops in the Vegetable Crisper that needed to be scraped into the trash and removed from the house immediately?  Exactly!  These are fun times!  Bonding moments!  Opportunities to apologize and promise to do better in the future.  If everything was orderly and perfect how could The Viking possibly know that I am still making an effort?  He might assume that I’m totally redundant to the efficient operation of this place!

My office is a clusterfuck every single day. There are invoices and statements and bills and random papers piled on every available surface.  I have projects I started 6 years ago still moldering in corners.  The Viking comes in looking for a specific invoice for billing purposes and there’s a tightening in my chest and my heart speeds up.  How in the hell am I going to find it amongst this disaster of paper?  When it takes me a few minutes of shuffling and sorting he doesn’t make a comment.  Why?  Because he is just as bad as I am at paper.  He loses bits and pieces of paper all the damned time.  When I do find the invoice entered and sorted and filed where it should be I feel like a champion and start looking around for someone to high-five!

The black hole under the kitchen sink is a version of hell that I am terrified to clean out. There are things in the back of that cupboard that probably hasn’t seen the light of day since 2005.  But, once again, there is an adventure in there for the strong of heart.  You might find some Limeaway……or you might find a dead animal….the odds are probably the same.

I could waste a lot of time being ashamed at the chaos around here but it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. There’s nothing left to strive for once I’ve tamed chaos completely.  And how could The Viking possibly hope to live up to those high standards himself?  The tables would turn.  The universe would be tumbled.  Up would be down and down would be up!  Suddenly I would be the one complaining that The Viking hadn’t performed to perfection and to be honest, he wouldn’t deal with those circumstances very well.

There is a pecking order in our home. I have taken on the responsibility of being wrong most of the time, but that means I can celebrate like an asshole when I am suddenly right.  In 9 years I have been right 7 times and every single time I have done a turkey dance while yelling ‘Looooser!’ and pointing my finger at The Viking.

My philosophy is: “It is better to under-perform and give people a reason to feel superior than to over-perform and give people a reason to feel inferior!” – I’m trademarking this because it’s bloody brilliant!!  Mrs. Completely just invented the best fucking quote of the century!  Eat your heart out Confucius.

Chaos