Category: Funny Woman Blog

We had a Non-Argument Argument Last Night

Let’s talk about arguments. I don’t like them so I don’t do them.  The Viking is pretty much the same.  So we have these moments where something has happened and we freeze.  Neither one of us wants to confront the other so we sort of stand there looking at anything but each other.  We both have a role in this moment and we both completely understand who is at fault and who is the innocent party.

Without making eye contact we both kind of wander slowly away, both of us hoping the phone will ring or someone will knock on the door. The rest of the day becomes awkward because I should probably apologize or The Viking should, but making that apology would mean revisiting the thing that happened and neither of us wants that.  Eventually, someone will call or visit to distract us and we can go back to being not awkward again.

Continue reading “We had a Non-Argument Argument Last Night”

Things I Find in my Bra

Let’s talk about Boobs. I have big ones which are more of a hindrance and less ‘sexy appendages’ the older I get.  A friend of mine once said, “Big boobs are only good for one thing……feeding the baby without taking it out of the crib”, and I have to concur.  I would happily give them to the first female I heard bemoaning her compact titlets.

There are challenges to having big boobs. For example, restaurant tables are all ‘Boob Height’; I like to call them Boob Tables because as soon as I sit down my boobs are resting on the table top.  The Viking enjoys the view but so does everyone else who happens to walk past or is taking our order.  Sure, it means I don’t necessarily have to wear a bra for support when I go out for dinner but that just makes the journey from the car to the table sort of weird.  Either The Viking or I have to hold them because no one wants to watch them sway back and forth as I walk.  Sure, I could probably hypnotize people to do my bidding – that is actually a very good idea! – but that would make us late for our reservation.

Continue reading “Things I Find in my Bra”

#weekendcoffeeshare

I decided to participate in a blogging event (What I would say if I had coffee with you this weekend) and this is my submission. 

If we were having coffee I would hug you tightly because I love you and then I would put our favorite, brilliantly fattening, whipped confection of a coffee in front of you. We would both take a moment to breathe deep and cast off the minutiae of every day cares so we can just enjoy this short time of friendship and love.  I know you have been down lately.  You haven’t answered my texts or returned my calls.  I understand why without you ever saying it out loud.  Sometimes dealing with the world is unbearable.  It’s okay though because you are here now.  I would give you one more hug, just because.

Continue reading “#weekendcoffeeshare”

Cat and the Poodle Tree

I had a cat. Maggie.  She was black and the most anti-social cat on the planet but she was so good and brave and she was totally committed to me.  When she met The Viking she watched him for 76 seconds and decided he was the man for her.  And me.  But mostly for her.

And then she got sick and we couldn’t fix her so we had to put her down and I cried for days. And then Mim bought a cat about a year later.  Dexter.  Mim worked during the day and you should never leave a baby home alone so I said I would kitty sit.  But guess who completely forgot what raising a kitten was like?

Continue reading “Cat and the Poodle Tree”

The Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny

Mim came to me one day when she was about 8 years old and told me quite firmly that she knew the Tooth Fairy wasn’t real. I asked her why she was so sure.  She said Junior told her.  After a stink eye toward Junior, I said to Mim, “Thank God!  Your father can stop wearing that silly Tooth Fairy outfit.”  Yes.  I actually did say that.  It was one of those flashes of brilliance that surprises me more than the person I said it to.

And that was that. No more frantic searches for a quarter at 11:00 at night.  No more sad little girl because the Tooth Fairy didn’t come for her tooth the night before because someone (Kukah!) forgot to make the switch like he promised to do.

Continue reading “The Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny”

Food that isn’t Food

I was in the grocery store the other day, cruising around the produce department hoping something would jump off the displays and into my cart with an inspiration for an amazing dinner dish…….that would cook itself and do up the dishes afterwards. I watched other shoppers who seemed so sure, like they already knew what they were making for supper.  They are probably spawns of Martha Stewart who have a month of meal plans posted on some artsy-fartsy push pin board decorated with cute sewing projects that look like vegetables.  Damn them!

Continue reading “Food that isn’t Food”

Father-isms

My Father is a Ruralite. He’s spent his entire life in rural areas and he’s picked up some colorful ‘isms’ over the years that pepper his conversations.  These ‘isms’ are charming and humorous but how did they ever become part of rural vernacular?  Didn’t anyone question the guy who said it for the first time?  A group of dudes standing around and one of them says “Wow!  That works Slicker than Goose Shit in a Tin Horn” and no one looks at the guy and says “How would you know how slick shit becomes in a tin horn, Frank?”  And you know it was a guy who said it first because a woman would have said something along the lines of “Wow!  That was easier than sticking your finger in bacon fat!” and every woman around her would nod in agreement because they all know exactly how easy it is to stick your finger in bacon fat.

Continue reading “Father-isms”

Pods of Zen

I bought a new vehicle (Charlotte) last year and I have to say that I am totally in love with it. When I slide into that driver’s seat and push the start button there is a moment of magicalness that makes me smile.  The heated seat comes on to toast my behind and adjusts itself perfectly.  The computer loads my music right where I left off the last time I was in the car.  When I put it in reverse the camera comes on in the dash.  “Beep! Beep!  Be careful. There is something behind you and we wouldn’t want to dent my bumper, now would we?”  No we wouldn’t!

Charlotte is a pod of zen, designed just for me.

Continue reading “Pods of Zen”

Rally Car Driving

The Viking raced motorcycles in Europe once upon a time so he enjoys watching those races whenever he has the chance as well as getting on a bike for a good ride. I have never raced a motorcycle, except for a little Kawasaki mini bike my father bought when I was a kid and then it wasn’t so much racing as it was toodling around, so any interest I have in motorcycle racing is purely superficial and mostly to show my love to The Viking.

Continue reading “Rally Car Driving”

You Were a Bastard in my Dream

Me: “If you want a different woman, fine!  But you can’t move her in with me and expect me to cook for her!!”

The Viking: “What?  I don’t want a different woman.”

Me: “You say that now, but when you find her at a pizza joint down the street you will be singing a different tune!”

The Viking: “Why would I go looking for a woman in the pizza place?”

Me: “That’s what I would like to know.”

The Viking: “There isn’t even a pizza place down the street.  The closest one is up on the hill.”

Me: “Hmmmm.  Why would I dream there is a pizza place down the street?”

The Viking: “I don’t know.  It’s your dream.”

Continue reading “You Were a Bastard in my Dream”