Category: Funny Woman Blog

Izzie – You Are Both Assholes!

The Viking and I go to Arizona twice a year, usually for a month or so each time.  Because we run our own company out of the house, we seldom get two days off in a row and our phone rings from 6 o’clock in the morning to 11 o’clock at night.  So we take time in the spring and in the fall – our slow seasons – for ourselves.

We drive to Lake Havasu City, Arizona from Calgary, Alberta; it’s a trip of about 2300 kilometers (1430 miles) that we do in a day and a half.  We actually enjoy the drive; it’s relaxing and no one is banging on the door or the phone isn’t ringing all hours of the day and night.  We heave a big sigh of relief as Calgary fades behind us.

Continue reading “Izzie – You Are Both Assholes!”

Izzie – The Flatulence Has Subsided

It has been almost 3 weeks since I was abducted from my family.  What began as a damned nightmare is becoming okay.  I have toys littered from one end of the prison to the other, they feed me regularly and they have treats which I really enjoy.  Someone should tell them I would prefer they feed me the treats all the time and forget about that other shit they put in my bowl.  There should be some payoffs for being catnapped!

I have grown a lot; I’m nearly twice as big as I was when first arrived here. I can now jump onto the big brown sitty thing and onto the bed that The Viking and the Missus sleep in.

Continue reading “Izzie – The Flatulence Has Subsided”

Why Don’t I Have A Buddy?!

‘Buddy’ – The Daily Prompt word. This should be easy, right?  Ten minutes, post and dust off hands! Because my first thought was of course I have a Buddy!  Like Laurel had Hardy, or Thelma had Louise, or Mel Gibson had Danny Glover.  But as I mentally scrolled through the people closest to me I realized that I don’t have a Buddy! Not like Nick Nolte had Eddie Murphy, or Will Smith had Martin Lawrence! Everyone deserves a Buddy, even me!

I have The Viking but he’s less of a Butch to my Sundance and more of a Pepe le Pew to my Penelope la Cat. Plus, he tends to be the voice of reason in this relationship, not a partner in crime.

Continue reading “Why Don’t I Have A Buddy?!”

Underestimations

I underestimate all the time. Here’s a list:

  • The length of time it will take to finish a game of Spider Solitaire which means that I’m always running out the door a little bit late. This, in turn, means that I drive like an asshole because I don’t want to be late for whatever the hell I’m doing.
  • The impact of a new haircut. I’m always a little disappointed when I realize that I’m not a size 3 and I don’t look like a young Jane Fonda.
  • Ditto a new find on Zulily.
  • How good macaroni and cheese tastes. Or pancakes. I fight the craving for weeks or months but when I finally break down it never tastes as good as I thought it would taste. Then I’m pissed off because of the massive amounts of willpower I’ve wasted.

Continue reading “Underestimations”

Izzie – Snot & Tears…..or…..Survival

My survival is in question. Honestly. And I have engineered my own demise which makes it all the more tragic.  I knew it would be difficult, knew that there would be issues but Geez!  I had truly forgotten what a pain in the ass a fucking kitten could be!  She’s a nightmare! And I freely and willingly went along with the acquisition of the feline in question.  Wouldn’t Freud have something to say about this?  Isn’t this sort of like volunteering for the Spanish Inquisition?

She’s a good girl really, but she’s so busy! I just get her out of trouble in one spot as she’s galloping to the next spot.  Pet Smart and Petland have both vomited all over the house; there are so many damned toys it’s like a mine field.  Bells, rattles, catnip, fishing poles, treat puzzle, ball puzzle and a Kitty Whack-A-Mole…..how many toys does it take to entertain one kitten?  In desperation I am throwing anything and everything on the floor (toothpaste box, pen, an extra-large paperclip, shopping bag, toilet paper roll, an empty medication bottle, shoe laces, etc.) hoping that something will hold her attention for more than 16 fucking seconds.

Continue reading “Izzie – Snot & Tears…..or…..Survival”

Chaos

We are apparently made out of it so it shouldn’t surprise anyone to know that I live and create chaos every single day. It’s an untamed beast that only exists because I procrastinate.  If I didn’t procrastinate I could most certainly eradicate it out of my life but then I would be bored and boring and look like Martha Stewart.

For example:  Where is the fun in opening up the fridge and not feeling a small trill of fear? What’s great about trusting that all the salad dressing hasn’t hit its best before date?  Wouldn’t we miss the “Name that Rotting Food” Game with the container on the shelf in the back?  What would The Viking have to complain about if there were no slops in the Vegetable Crisper that needed to be scraped into the trash and removed from the house immediately?  Exactly!  These are fun times!  Bonding moments!  Opportunities to apologize and promise to do better in the future.  If everything was orderly and perfect how could The Viking possibly know that I am still making an effort?  He might assume that I’m totally redundant to the efficient operation of this place!

Continue reading “Chaos”

Izzie – Cuteness as a Weapon

What the hell?!  “Stop it!”

It doesn’t stop. The sound of claws ripping open my mattress jerks me awake.  I’m never at my best when this is how I wake up; in fact, I’m probably at my worst.  Izzie doesn’t know this about me yet but she’s about to find out.

We have an adjustable bed because some mornings I can’t stand up and The Viking has to help me. The bed has two twin size mattresses on individual bases so I can adjust my side.  And it’s between these mattresses that Izzie is diligently shredding one or both.  I shove my arm down there and swing it around wildly but she’s too fast.

Continue reading “Izzie – Cuteness as a Weapon”

Hope

Things I Hope For:

  • I hope the guy who lives on the corner suffers from a mass infestation of fleas in his crotch area. Why? Because he’s an ass and when the city gave us a permit to operate our small engine repair business he started driving past our garage twice daily looking for any excuse to call the By-Law Office. Actually, cancel the fleas. May he suffer from chronic plugged sinuses and Psoriasis.
  • I hope the lovely old Lady who lives beside the above mentioned ass lives another 10 years. Because she’s sweet and kind and everyone that is sweet and kind should live longer than people like the guy mentioned above.

Continue reading “Hope”

Izzie – I’VE BEEN VIOLATED!!

I may have over-reacted about how horrible this place is. In my defense, these humans had just ripped me from my mother’s warm nipple!  I also really missed my brother.  And then, just when I was starting to relax, THEY  ATTACKED ME!  VIOLATED ME!  They wrapped me in a piece of cloth so I couldn’t lacerate them for their effrontery then cut the tips off my claws!  How am I supposed to hang off their pants without pointy claws?!  Oh sure, they apologized and told me how good I was and offered treats but that doesn’t excuse their actions.  Afterward, I sat on the floor in front of the female, giving her the stink eye while I licked my offended feet….very slowly…..and deliberately.

Continue reading “Izzie – I’VE BEEN VIOLATED!!”

Izzie – The Sound of My Fury

There is a new addition to the family.  She doesn’t have a name yet, but she certainly has a voice.  A very loud and piercing voice that drills into our ears and eats our brains. 

I’ll let her express her joy at joining the family:

Help!! Assholes have abducted me!  One minute I’m in the house I was born in, then I’m wrapped in a blanket that I’m sure was laced with Kitty Cocaine, and now I’m in HELL!

WHERE IS MY BROTHER?! WHERE IS MY MOTHER?!  What have you done with them, Hell Spawn?  I don’t care that those treats are delicious, I want to go home.  Now!

Continue reading “Izzie – The Sound of My Fury”