I pulled ‘A Viking’ the other day. I was cutting up potatoes to make oven fries for supper when I had a rare knife glitch and sliced a finger – the left pointer finger, to be precise. I made a soft, dainty, ladylike coo – very much like a Dove – and grabbed the finger with my right hand, a little afraid to look at the damage because I felt resistance in the knife. The Viking, sitting nearby at his computer, barely heard me.
“FUUUUUCK!!”
It was only because The Viking had such good hearing that he noticed and without actually looking at me said, “What happened?”
“I cut off my finger.”
He says, “Well, put a Band-Aide on it.”
What?! THAT’S NOT HOW YOU ASSESS A HEALTH CRISIS!!
I carefully opened my right hand and found zero blood, which could be good news in that I hadn’t cut deep enough for blood….or…..very bad news if I didn’t have any blood to bleed……or…..super news because my body was capable of instantaneous healing. Like a Superhero. Note to self: Create a great Superhero Name.
I decided to put a Band-Aide on it anyway so I could carry on with the potatoes but halfway to the bathroom and the Band-Aides I started gushing blood. Note to self: never mind about the Superhero name. I recruited The Viking to apply the Band-Aide but he seemed completely unimpressed with the amount of blood I was leaking and how much it hurt.
I said “Ouch!” and he snorted like it was barely a scratch which kind of annoyed me. “You act like it’s nothing!”
Him: “Well, it is nothing.”
Me: “It definitely IS something!”
Him: “You don’t need stitches, now do you?”
Me: “That’s only because I am more talented than you are!”
Him: “What?!” A high-pitched squawk.
Me: It’s true! I managed a deep, clean cut without hitting an artery. Anybody can slice an artery, but it takes a very high level of skill to miss the artery, and I wasn’t even trying that hard. That’s skill, with a capital ‘S’!
Him: ……….
Me: That’s right! Your slicing skills are amateurish and hap-hazard, but what can I expect from a guy born and bred to throw axes?
Him: ……….
Me: Also, you need to finish the potatoes because I have a work-place injury. Don’t make me report you to Occupational Health & Safety.
Apparently, I dazzled him with my intellectual prowess because he finished the potatoes. I considered pushing for a day off due to a risk of infection but decided to quit while the quitting was good.
The problem with the stupid cut is that it went in on an angle, so the flap part catches on things and hurts like a bastard. So, I need a Band-Aide to stop tearing it open again but then it isn’t healing as well as it would without the Band-Aide. Also, it’s bruised too, and every time I knock it even a little bit it hurts like a bastard.
So, my left pointer finger is not my favourite digit at the moment. I thought about making the right pointer finger the favourite in the meantime, but that’s too much competition and could lead to prolonged pointer finger angst. Instead, my right middle finger is the current favourite, and I am using it frequently. Especially when I’m complaining to The Viking about my workplace injury and his underwhelming sympathy.
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I feel your pain, Sistah!
Ugh! Knife cuts, right? They are almost as painful as paper cuts! :o)
Is that photo of the affected digit? Clearly a danger to your ability to do much this weekend.
Yes, it is. And you never know what will cause an infection so I don’t think I’ll take any chances. :o)