A One-Legged Girl and Banana Marshmellows

I caused a debacle today. Completely unintentionally, but it was a total fiasco nonetheless. It all started with needing coffee cream and a loaf of bread and rather than going all the way down to Safeway, I decided to just pop into The Bownesian. It is a little boutique-type store where local businesses can sell their products, organic produce and antibiotic-free meat are preferred, and it has an amazing deli section considering the miniscule size of the store.

I grabbed a basket when I went through the doors and went directly to the dairy section, swung through the bread section and headed to the check out. Except…..there, on the end cap of an aisle, was…..BANANA MARSHMELLOWS!! Oh. My. God! Banana Marshmellows! I got a craving for them about 4 years ago, couldn’t find them in all that time and now they were sitting right in front of me!

I looked around for something for The Viking because if I don’t find something for him, I’ll have to share my Banana Marshmellows and, quite frankly, that was a sacrifice I wasn’t willing to make. I love him to pieces but if there were only one Banana Marshmellow left on the planet I wouldn’t give it to him. Even if he were starving to death. That may sound harsh but really if he were starving to death then I would be starving to death too and how much longer would I last on one Banana Marshmellow? If it was the last piece of Licorice on the planet I wouldn’t expect him to give it to me. Even if I was starving to death. I would apologize in Valhalla of course; I can be pretty sweet when I want to be and The Viking can’t stay mad at me for long anyway….especially when I’m dead.

I found some Finnish black licorice that I knew he would like – it wasn’t Danish licorice but this was the next best thing. Then I reached for the Banana Marshmellows….

I heard something drop at the same moment my right arm was fully extended, my fingers were wiggling to grab 2 bags of Banana Marshmellows and my left leg was off the floor to extend my reach. I instantly froze, then slowly reversed my position and looked down at the floor.

It was a jar of Pasta/Pizza sauce, apparently knocked off the waist high stack of them by my basket. For a brief moment I thought I could just pick it up and put it back on the stack but…..in slow motion…..the jar gently came apart in 4 pieces and thick red sauce oozed onto the clean cement floor. Fuck. Several thoughts collided in my brain:

• Just walk away, no one saw it happen.
• I should call for help.
• Do I have to pay for that now?
• Oh My God! This is embarrassing!
• Why does this always happen to me?
• Really, just walk away.

Undecided, my eyes left the catastrophic Pasta/Pizza accident and right in front of me was a woman and she was looking right at me! There was a brief telepathic conversation:

Her: You’re thinking of walking away, aren’t you?

Me: No.

Her: Yes, you are.

Me: No. Only an asshole would walk away without attempting to find someone to clean it up.

Her: I guess you are contemplating being an asshole then.

Me: Geez! You’re a bitch!

Her: At least I’m not making a mess and then walking away.

Me: I’m not walking away!

Her: You were going to!

Me: You’re just guessing and you have no proof!

Her: I don’t need proof; I can read your mind.

Me: No you can’t.

Her: Yes, I can.

Me: No you can’t!

Her: If I can’t read your mind, how are we even having this conversation?

Me: Geez! You’re a bitch!

As if this woman in front of me wasn’t enough, a one-legged sales girl on crutches came speeding along at that exact moment. The woman looked from me, to the one-legged girl, and back to me.

Her: Oh, this is delightful! I had no idea how entertaining my shopping trip would be!

Me: Don’t you have something else to do?

Her: Actually no. But even if I did have something else to do I wouldn’t because I am really enjoying myself.

Me: Geez! You’re a bitch!

So I called to the one-legged girl. “Excuse me. I’m so sorry but I made a mess. Is there someone who can help me clean it up?”

She looked at me, then at the line-up at the register (which is probably where she was heading in such a hurry) and then back to me. She sighed. The woman smiled.

“I’ll do it.”

OMG! OMG! OMFG! My head exploded in shock and squirmy denial. She can’t clean it up! Dear God! Have I just made a one-legged girl clean up a mess I made? Who does that?!

“NO! I can do it! Really, I can do it!” I started chasing her but she’s fucking fast and I can’t catch her! Holy Shit! “Please! I can do it! Do you have something I can just scoop it up with?” All heads swivelled to me, people stopped to stare. I’m like a deer caught in headlights; I can’t believe this is even happening! It’s against every single universal law, isn’t it? One-legged people should never have to pick up after two-legged people! I’m positive it’s an etched-in-stone law, right above the law that states two-legged people should never have to pick up after three-legged people!

She grabbed a plastic shopping bag, circled around me (how do you stop a one-legged girl?), and arrived at the pasta/pizza sauce spill. Keeping her crutch under one arm-pit, she leaned way down, the stump of her leg pointing behind her, and grabbed the jar with the bag and swiped as much sauce up as she could. She went back to the register, grabbed another bag and swiped up more sauce.

Then, while I was slowly dying, she disappeared to the back of the store and came back with a caution sign to put over what remained of the accident. She is seriously speedy! Then she smiled at me as she went past, almost like she wanted me to feel okay with what had just happened.

I fled. To the back of the store. That moment, right then, was the pinnacle of my embarrassments. Nothing that has happen before this moment and nothing that will happen in the future will ever be as horrifying as this one calamity. What’s the worst thing you can imagine happening? Well, being caught naked in public, of course. Ha! Still not as bad as making a one-legged girl clean up a mess you made.

I loiter around in the back for about 10 minutes, hoping everyone who witnessed the debacle had left the store, especially that telepathic and annoying woman. I’m replaying the scene in my mind, over and over again. Why didn’t I go find someone else? Why did I even bring the situation to the attention of the one-legged girl? What did I think she was going to do once she was informed? Call someone else? Of course she wouldn’t, you idiot. She’s a one-legged girl working in a grocery store and doing it better than any other employee; she isn’t going to get someone else to do it!

When I got to the register, I was second in line behind a middle-aged couple and put my Fucking Banana Marshmellows on the conveyor beside the coffee cream, licorice and loaf of bread. As the couple starts to leave, the one-legged girl says, “I’ll see you later, Dad. Love you!” Groan.

She didn’t even charge me for the pasta/pizza sauce and I didn’t want to remind her because maybe she doesn’t recognize me. Hopefully she has no memory of things that happened more than 5 minutes ago, at least that’s what I’m going to try convincing myself is the truth.  Wait….did I just actually wish another disability on to the one-legged girl?  Shit!  I am definitely going to hell.

I put my change in the donation box for War Amps and slithered out the door.

When I got home I said to The Viking, “I create chaos where ever I go.”

He smiled. “What did you do now?”

“I made a mess and then made a one-legged girl clean it up.” Even knowing me in all my chaotic glory and klutzishness, The Viking is impressed that I can still find new levels of disaster.

And in case you are wondering…..the Banana Marshmellows didn’t taste nearly as good as I remember. Were they tainted? Probably. So, if The Viking were starving I would definitely give him half.