We’re home. We’re also still in shock that we didn’t suffer any catastrophic event while we were in Arizona. Usually there is some sort of shittery that sends us both into a tornado of spiraling stress, curses and name-calling. But this time The Viking wasn’t almost arrested and I didn’t get into any fist-fights (the chances of this happening are slim, admittedly, but still….).
Of course, there was the pre-departure clusterfuckage, as usual. It wouldn’t be a vacation if we didn’t hate each other for the first six hours on the road. We’ve become infamous in the neighbourhood for our attempts to go on holiday. We quit telling them the exact day we were leaving because they were bringing out the lawn chairs and popcorn. There was plenty of this though…..
and a little of this….
…..behind each other’s back and continual profanity as we packed the truck but we did managed to keep the volume down. There wasn’t a single lawn chair in sight by the time we started the truck and idled out of the alley.
Once we were speaking again, the trip became enjoyable – we both love road trips – and everything was fine until we hit Idaho. Sigh. Idaho. Never go to Idaho without a super-sized jug of Wind Shield Washer Fluid because the entire state is infested with bugs whose guts are so sticky it takes a sandblaster to get them off the front of the truck. Also, cows piss on you there.
We were following a cattle liner who wasn’t going nearly fast enough for our happiness (we are driving 2400km/1500miles and want to get the fuck going already) and while The Viking was making little darts into the other lane looking for a likely time to pass, a cow pressed its ass against the side of the trailer and let loose a frightening large amount of piss. It seemed to never end! It was like driving into a waterfall! The truck driver was going fast enough to turn the piss stream into a nauseatingly thick mist which required liberal and fast windshield wiper action and desperate stabs at the fresh air intake button.
After we stopped screaming and could use our words again we were more than just a little indignant. What kind of world do we live in when cows can just piss on you any time they want? We’re at the top of the food chain, are we not? That sort of thing should be illegal! What if our windows had been down?! Or if we were on a motorcycle?! Or in a convertible?!!
And then I started wondering why I’ve never been cow pissed on before? I live in cow country for Pete’s sake. Given the number of cows/pigs/sheep that are trucked all over the continent you’d think that Cow/Pig/Sheep Pissings would be common and therefore cause enough indignation in the general population to have laws against it.
So I Googled it (Are there laws against cows pissing on vehicles?) and there isn’t. It’s illegal to be drunk while caring for a cow in Scotland and in Australia it’s illegal to milk another guy’s cow and you can’t drive your cows through St. John’s after 8:00 (I’m assuming in the morning because driving your cows through St. John’s at night would cause fewer traffic problems, but what do I know? I’ve been pissed on!) but no law about cows pissing on people in vehicles.
So, are Canadian cows just more polite than Idahoan cows? Is that why I’ve never been Cow Pissed on before? Are Idahoan cows just plain assholes? I wouldn’t put it past them judging by Idahoan bugs! On the other hand, maybe this particular cow was just really bitter but not indicative of all Idahoan cows as a collective group. Or maybe the Vacation Gawd didn’t have time to prepare something truly epic, as in past years, and this was the best he could do under the circumstances. If that’s the case ….. then touché Vacation Gawd, well played.
Having now experienced being pissed on by a cow, I can say that it’s not something I will soon forget. I think I might even have a touch of PTSD. And, it will change the way we rate our future vacations as well as anyone else’s future vacations.
“Geez, that was one of our worst vacations, but at least we didn’t get pissed on by a cow, right?”
“Too bad you had such a lousy time on your holiday, but at least you weren’t pissed on by a cow, right?”
Just a quick note about the actual chemical composition of the cow piss itself: It does take off Idahoan bug guts, so there is that.
PS: Yes. Being pissed on is infinitely better than being poo-ed on.
PPS: Yes. Cows have every right to be bitter but pissing on us doesn’t change their fate. It just makes me want a bigger steak. Or maybe to tip them over, if I knew how to go about it because, presumably, the cow would see me coming and would brace itself. Unless I dressed up like a cow but then I would need someone in the back of the costume and The Viking probably wouldn’t think it was a worthwhile endeavor.
I didn’t want to tell, but seeing how it seems to have traumatized you, I feel bad.
I paid that cow to piss on your car. I am sorry, but I had to do it. I was afraid you’d have great vacation, maybe win the mega-bazillion-bowl lotery and not come back North.
For my defense, I did make that cow promise all the windows would be closed and that no poo would be involved in the process…
Welcome back home, dear friend…. Hope you can forgive me someday 😉
LOL
You? Really? Of all the people I may have suspected of arranging the event, you were at the very bottom of the list. I have a new and troubling respect for you now. The sinister and convoluted plan comes directly from the bladder of hell. Well done!! Next time I’m in need of a truly evil partner in crime, I know exactly where to go. LOL!
I love your blog, it broadens my vocabulary in such a hilarious way! Sorry about the piss. Hopefully it washed off okay once you were finally able to.. Yikes! Windows were up the whole time I hope?
Thankfully, the windows were completely closed. I’m equally thankful that I had Wet Wipes in the truck because we would eventually need to get food and pee and I wasn’t going to touch the cow piss door handle. Thanks for stopping by Kathleen. :o)
‘about the actual chemical composition of the cow piss itself: It does take off Idahoan bug guts, so there is that.‘
Unfortunately, it doesn’t serve as windshield wiper schtuff, likely. Unless I’m wrong. If it did work, cow piss would be all over the place, in every spray bottle used by guys offering to wash your windows in some cities. Ummm, maybe it already is anyhow…
Umm……now that you mention it, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything before I filed a patent. If it isn’t common knowledge that cow piss works brilliantly as windshield washer fluid I may have bilked myself out of early retirement. Sigh. Story of my life. :o)
That is truly gross and hilarious, all at the same time. I can only imagine the look on your face as it was happening–I would have been screaming too:-) Take your vengeance by barbecuing a filet mignon.
I don’t know what MY face looked like but The Viking’s face was a mixture of WTF! and OMG! and I’M ABOUT TO VOMIT! Unfortunately, the steaks we had a week later probably wasn’t from the pissing culprit which means we were taking our angst out on an innocent victim. I did flip it the bird when we finally passed the truck though which gives me a small amount of comfort. :o)
And I thought having a guy jerk off on my car was gross…
It’s funny… the first thought that crossed my mind was – I wonder if it will help wash off the bugs? And then you did state it helped some. Silver linings, ya know?
Plus… it has given you a story to tell.
You will laugh over this. I know I am… 😉
Wait! Someone sexually assaulted your car?!
Processing…….Processing…..Processing…..
Did you see it happen? Did you yell “HEY! Stop raping my car!!”? Was it in the Fuel Hole or the Exhaust Hole or both? Did you have to take the car to the shop to have a Rape Kit done? Is your car in counselling now? Was your car wearing something slutty or act, in any way, like it wanted to be raped? Was it in a dangerous part of a city where nice cars don’t go unless they WANT to be raped? What color is the car? Is it a wanton shade that just attracts sexual predators? Was there evidence left on the car? Enough for a DNA sample? Maybe he’s a serial Car Rapist! How did you sterilize the car after the incident? Did you wear a HazMat suit? You should have a sticker made with #metoo and put it on the bumper because cars have feelings too. Is you car more withdrawn with signs of depression now? Does it now carry a tazer and mace? Have you taught your car basic self-defense moves in case that guy ever comes back?
Also, being raped is a LOT worse than getting pissed on by a cow. And I’m already laughing about it because being pissed on by a cow could only happen to me. XOXO :o)
Was that YOUR car?
Sorry!
Yes!! It was our truck! Poor Tina will never be the same again. I’m surprised she didn’t just die right there. We’re calling the incident “The Pissing”. :o)
Mrs Viking! You’re already home? We’re still down here. I guess we won’t be coming over for a beer in Havasu!
Maybe catch you guys when we get back. Sorry about the COW!
Yes, sadly we are already home. And please do stop by for a visit some time. You’re always welcome! :o)