WARNING: If you are slightly inhibited or hate the word ‘Dildo’ you probably shouldn’t read beyond this point. Seriously.
Yes, I did break Facebook and Amazon and it was easier than you might believe. Maybe not your Facebook and Amazon, but I definitely broke mine. For 3 days.
It started about 2 weeks ago.
I accidentally dropped my tablet. Again. And yes, The Viking did say, “What the fuck is with you and that fucking tablet? Do I need to tie it around your neck?” Whatever. I have no more control of my hands than he does.
Anyway, he had managed to fix it the last time I dropped it so I was fairly optimistic that he could save it again. Except I dropped it harder this time, apparently, because it broke harder. It requires a new thingamajig that can only come from Hong Kong and it’s so tiny that The Viking needs to buy a special magnifier doohickey so he can see what the hell he’s doing. I’ve prepared surgical tongs and sweat-absorbing sponges for mopping his brow, I cobbled together an operating theatre with extra-bright lights and I’ve picked the perfect, calming, Elevator Music to hum softly while he operates.
I like to be helpful – it’s the least I can do under the circumstances.
Now, where was I? Oh! For a week after the search for the thingamajig, Facebook plastered Amazon ads for every conceivable type of computer-y thingamabobbit, in every conceivable colour, on my newsfeed.
As luck would have it though, the microwave decided to quit working last week and The Viking worked feverishly to find the replacement doodad on Ebay.
For the entire next week, Facebook plastered Amazon ads for every conceivable type of microwave-y gizmo, in every conceivable colour, on my feed.
Every 4th post was an Amazon ad! And not very interesting ads either. How many thingamabobbits and gizmos does one household need? I finally decided that if I have to look at Amazon ads they should at least be interesting.
So I Googled ‘Massive Dildos’*.
My hope was that my Facebook feed would erupt into every conceivable kind of Massive Dildo, in every conceivable colour. And since this computer doubles as a Business Computer, I was hoping for interesting conversations when a customer walked through the door and saw my 27-inch monitor covered in Massive Dildos**.
That didn’t happen though. Facebook’s Amazon ads went dark. Not a single ad. For three days. I assumed every algorithm on Facebook was in the process of melting down as Amazon threw 1,349,456 Dildo ads at it. And it probably isn’t easy for an algorithm to figure out that a Statue of Liberty ‘shaped’ Dildo is different than a souvenier-sized, child-appropriate Statue of Liberty or any other tourist-y symbol that might be construed as slightly Dildo-ish in appearance, for that matter.***
So, I enjoyed ad-free browsing for a full 3 days.
But then, on the morning of the 4th day, Facebook returned with a Blitzkrieg of ads…….for every conceivable type of microwave-y/computer-y gizmo, in every conceivable colour, on my feed. In a brilliant time-travel-y maneuver, Facebook decided to ignore all the Dildos and Dildo-related products, and pretend it never happened, that it was all just a very bad dream and Thank Gawd it’s all over now.
I have to say that I’m terribly disappointed with Facebook. Who is Mark Zuckerberg to decide whether I can or can’t view Dildo ads on my feed? Amazon didn’t censor their email marketing based on my recent Dildo research – in fact, I know much more about Dildos than I ever thought I should.
Here’s the thing though…..I’m now trying to resist the urge to see exactly where Facebook draws the line. Blow-up sex dolls? Tittie rings? It’s like Zuckerberg doesn’t know me at all!
Or maybe he does. Maybe he knows that The Viking knows me well enough and will only tolerate me playing in the dark depths of Amazon’s sex toy inventory for no more than a week, at best, because I have other things to do for fuck’s sake! Zuckerberg just has to endure my research experiments until The Viking pulls the plug.
Ummm……Buttplug? ****
* Yes, I’m aware that I could have Googled something less controversial and just as interesting but I’ve now discovered that my brain’s default setting is, apparently, the same as a 13-year-old boy. I blame this on The Viking.
**It pays to sleep with your Boss because he just laughed when I told him about my newest ambition.
***I don’t think Mt. Rushmore would make a good Dildo unless it was stuck on the bottom like a pair of balls, but the Paramount Pictures lady is certainly an option for business-minded individuals.
****I’m probably going to have to break something in the house so Amazon will stop being so helpful because I’ve now lost all interest in Dildos and Dildo related products.