Month: November 2016

A Ladder, a Tablet and My Daughter

If we were having coffee I would have to tell you that I’m UNHAPPY. And maybe a little depressed. Mostly UNHAPPY. And it’s all Mim’s fault.

Mim lives in a teeny-weeny town northeast of Edmonton and I like it not! I didn’t think it would bother me since it’s only a 4 hour drive – 3 hours the way The Viking drives – but I’m totally bothered. We talk on the phone but it’s not the same as in person because many of our conversations include body language, head waggles, weird faces and arm swinging as punctuation and emphasis. Now, we’re confined to GIFs and photos and we have to use our words way more than we did when she lived just down the street.

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Anyway…….she’s refusing to move back to Calgary for my convenience. When she was a kid she was determined to move to the other side of the planet and never, ever see me again. Ever! I said it was impossible to never see me again because I would hunt her down like a dog. I would buy the house next door and become the Village Eccentric who always wears pajama pants, rubber boots and T-Shirts that say “I’m Mim’s Mom!” under a picture of her adorable face.

I’m only explaining all of this because Mim sent me two pictures this morning on Facebook. Both showed a large red spot on her forehead.

Her: I ran into a ladder. A ladder! And the mark is still here after an hour!

Me: OUCH! Nielsy dropped his Surface on my head when we were cuddled up reading. He fell asleep and the tablet fell on my head. Corner first. And that tablet weighs 903 pounds!

Me: Did you run into the ladder because you couldn’t make a decision fast enough whether to go under it or around it?

Her: Haha!! Maaaaayybeeee. Dirty Viking! He should watch where he falls asleep.

Me: LOL! Last night he held the tablet AWAY from my head.

Me: And at least half of my accidents are caused by too many options for one action. I definitely would have run into the ladder, too. I would be like:

Oh look! There’s a ladder between me and the exit.

I’ll just go around.

Wait! It’s shorter if I go underneath.

Yes. I’m going underneath.

Wait! Isn’t that bad luck?

Do I even believe in those old wives’ tales?

No, I don’t, but it never hurts to be on the safe side.

Why are my legs still moving?

I should probably stop moving until I’ve reviewed all my options and my beliefs regarding them.

That would be The Viking’s advice.

Fuck that!  I’m not a child.  I’m perfectly capable of making a decision in the 2 seconds before I hit the ladder. 

I can just imagine what The Viking would say if I hit it.  He’d probably roll his eyes at me.

He’d probably also put ladders in the same category as Flame Throwers, Fire Extinguishers and Skill Saws – not to be trusted in my hands.

I’m getting awfully close.

Hurry! Make up your mind!

Around or under?! Superstition and shorter or longer and around?!

Too many choices!

Go right!  Go right! 

No!! Left!  Definitely left!

FUCK! I hit the ladder! It was the only obstacle in the entire room!

Her:

 steamroller

See what I mean? So many words when we could have just leaned a ladder against the house and did re-enactments. We’d have to change our underwear, of course, because we laugh at ourselves so hard that we get into ‘Pee-my-pants’ territory.

I miss her! And I can’t believe SHE WON’T MOVE BACK TO CALGARY LIKE A GOOD DAUGHTER SHOULD!!

Anyway, thanks for stopping by. I definitely needed someone to talk to today.

Until next weekend, then.

Thanks, as always, to Part Time Monster for Coffee Share.

I’ve been coddled! And it was Horrible!

One minute everything was fine and then suddenly it wasn’t. My left hand just had a meltdown. I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything to the left hand that I didn’t do to the right hand so it seems suspicious that only my left hand decided to be UN-fine.

Whatever the reasons, Leftie started to get sore last week. Knowing how important my hands are, I began massaging the fleshy part of Leftie at the base of the thumb. But that almost seemed to make matters worse. As the night wore on, the pain increased. By the time I went to bed it was bordering on intolerable.

By 2:00am, I couldn’t stand it another minute and decided that I should curse at it and then immobilize it until morning when I could figure out what the fuck was wrong with it.

But here’s an interesting fact: Of all the First Aid Kits that The Viking has strategically placed around the house….not one has a fucking Tension Bandage!

Here’s a partial list of what our First Aid Kits do contain:

  • abdominal cavity wound dressings
  • sucking lung injury dressings
  • splints for every broken bone in the body
  • enough cheap-band aides to cover a large vehicle
  • grease for wheel chairs
  • collapsible crutches
  • fungicide
  • enough gauze to make 9 mummies
  • brain surgery tools
  • 1,498 antiseptic wipes
  • 4 tubes of Triple Antibiotic Ointment
  • One large bottle of Crown Royal and 4 shot glasses
  • 14 slings
  • a saw to remove limbs
  • two hammocks
  • a portable surgery table
  • a big stick with bite marks
  • enough plastic gloves to supply a good sized African village
  • booster cables
  • an Imperial to Metric measurement conversion chart
  • an Ambulance Owner’s Guide
  • Candy for Diabetics with low blood sugar
  • 972 surgical masks with a big, black, droopy moustache on each one
  • And 2 copies of ‘How to Perform an Occipital Lobe Lobotomy for Dummies’

But no fucking Tension Bandage!

So I wrapped a sling around the thumb and hand and finished it off with cotton gauze for good measure. Then…..because it was the middle of the night and because I felt the need to point out the glaring absence of Tension Bandages to The Viking, I left the contents of two Kits spread out all over the table.  Willy-Nilly.

When I wandered into the kitchen the next morning, the exploded First Aid Kits had been reassembled and were sitting neatly on the counter. I slapped both of them – with my right hand, but carefully because the last thing I needed was another fucked up hand – as I went for the coffee pot.

The Viking said, “Oh! Hey babe! Why did you wrap up your hand?”

“BECAUSE IT FUCKING HURTS!” I replied sweetly.

Trying to get dressed was ridiculous! I finally stomped shuffled out of the bedroom with my pants and underwear around my ankles, one boob in the bra and the other dangling helplessly, and my shirt scrunched around my neck. The Viking helped me pull up my pants, tucked the other boob in the bra and pulled my shirt down while I stood there scowling. I have to give him credit for not laughing, or even smiling, and he only flicked one nipple once, proving his restraint.

Then, things got strange. He came in from the garage and filled up my coffee – just the way I like it. When I came home from the bank, he trotted out to see if there was anything that needed to be taken into the house. He came in the house 4 times to help me pull up my pants after I peed. He helped make supper. He filled our water glasses when we were watching TV that evening. He brought out snacks and then put the bowls in the dishwasher.

Me: “Are you leaving me?!”

Him: “What the fuck?! No! Of course not! Why would you even ask that?!”

Me: “Are you dying?!”

Him: “NO! At least I don’t think so.”

Me: Am I dying?! Did my Doctor call and tell you I’m dying and now you are trying to make my last few hours on earth as pleasant as possible?!”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Then what the fuck are you doing?!”

Him: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You’re being all nice and doing things for me and you’ve never done that stuff before.”

Him: “Maybe I’m trying to be less of a Grumpy Asshole.”

Me: “Why? I’m accustomed to the Grumpy Asshole.”

Him: …..

Me: “Oh my gawd!! You’re coddling me!!”

Him: “I am not!”

Me: “Yes you are!”

Him: “No. I’m. Not!”

Me: “Yes you are!”

Him: “Shut up and watch the show!”

The Viking coddled me the entire weekend. Even when I said that Leftie was starting to feel better. It was wonderful and I loved it!  Who wouldn’t? But, you know when something is so good that you start wondering how you got so lucky? And then you think there must be a downside? Like if chocolate were calorie free but it gave you Diarrhea?

Me: “Are you having an affair?! What’s her name?”

Him: “I’m not having an affair, for fucksakes! When would I have time?”

Me: “You went to Barney’s last night! Or maybe you didn’t go to Barney’s! Is he covering for you?!”

Him: “He’s not covering for me because I’m not having a fucking affair!

Me: “Then why are you being so damned nice?!

Him: “Maybe because I love you and I’m usually such a Grumpy Bastard but now I’m trying to be better!!”

Me: ……….

Him: ………

Me: “Well, STOP IT! YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!”

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A Primal Scream and Maple Brown Sugar Drop Cookies – Part 2

So, a few days ago, the Internet Gawds decided to fuck with me by rendering my website unresponsive. Google went all Schultz….

 

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and Word Press kept saying “What? I don’t understand!”

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Then one of the Lesser Internet Gawds said it was all Jetpack’s fault. So I fired off a frantic, Primal Scream on their Support Form who then said I would have to wait for 24 to 48 hours before someone could look at my problem.  Wait?!

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Apparently my Primal Scream was a little less rational than I had hoped.  And then it turned out not to matter because the Internet Gawd that was fucking with me got bored and returned my website to me.  Yeah!  Right?  Wrong!  I had to ‘fess up to Paul at Jetpack Support that I may have over-reacted so I wrote an eloquent apology to him.

AND HE REPLIED!!

Here is the apology with Paul’s response in italics:

Lori,

SIGH! So the next day I thought I would take a chance and the stupid site loaded without any problems at all! This is like taking my car to the mechanic because it makes a horrible squealing sound and then it won’t make the sound for the mechanic but as soon as I leave the shop it starts squealing again. Gawd! Of course, I have The Viking now so this is no longer an issue but still……. The truth is that I panicked, because I have no idea how all this stuff works together. The Internet Gawd pointed the finger at Jetpack and like a panicky beast with the Dumb I fired off a primal scream on your Support Form.

I believe you! I know how this feels, so no worries. It happens to all of us every once in a while.

However, we’ve both learned something in the past couple of days. I’ve learned that there is actually someone on the other end of the Jetpack Support Form. Too many online Support Forms are there only to give the illusion that someone gives a shit if you have a problem. Jetpack has Happiness Engineers though! That must be the best fucking job on the planet! Wait. You do get paid, don’t you? Because I’m a Happiness Engineer too except they call me a Wife or a Mother and I get nothing for wages. Or vacation. Or sick days. You probably aren’t paid enough either though, are you? Because Engineering happiness is hard work.

You’re too funny! Yes, we do care and we are taken care of. We hope you’re appreciated, too.

You’ve learned that Menopausal Women who don’t understand how this shit works can panic in glitchy situations. We’ve survived child birth and shopping trips with 3 children under the age of 4 and our husband getting a vasectomy and horrible in-laws and a whole slew of other crap but when our blog goes down for a day we lose our shit. You might want to put a button on the Support Form for ‘Menopausal Women Who Don’t Understand How This Shit Works’. And the automated reply saying you’ve received our Primal Scream could say things like “It’s okay, have some booze.” OR “We understand this is the last fucking thing you need today so we will hurry to help you.” OR “You’re not stupid. Just confused. Here’s a hug.”

We will look into implementing some of your suggestions, but we can’t make any promises 😉

Anyway, please accept my apologies for bothering you. I can send you Brownies as a consolation/apology gift if you’d like. I make amazing Brownies. Oh! Or Maple Brown Sugar Drop Cookies! They are delicious! Please ask for these so I have an excuse to make a double batch and eat half of them myself.

Sorry again. Thanks for your help. Have a great day.

This was the greatest response I’ve ever received, and I’ve been doing this for a while! You made my day, and we’re glad that your site is back on track.

If you ever need us again, we’ll be here 🙂

Best,

Paul C. | Happiness Engineer | WordPress.com

I CAN’T BELIEVE HE REPLIED!

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I was expecting no acknowledgement at all.  Or at best, maybe a turd emoji or a ‘Whatever!’  The Viking didn’t think I’d actually sent the apology so he was as surprised as I was.  At the end of the whole mess, I guess Paul C. won’t send me a turd emoji if I need help in the future.  Which is a relief because I hate getting turd emojis.

AND….just as I was about to publish this post I received an email from Jetpack wanting me to rate my experience.  I said it was GREAT!  They said:

Thanks for your feedback!

We love to hear what we can do to improve our support.  Would you mind taking a moment to tell us what could have gone better?

So I said:

“Nothing……short of Paul C. coming directly to my house and personally hugging me.  He deserves a raise.  And cookies.”

I guess there’s a moral to this story somewhere.  I’m not sure what but I imagine you guys will come up with a few.

 

 

 

A Primal Scream and Maple Brown Sugar Drop Cookies – Part 1

My website stopped working 3 days ago. I tried everything to get into my Admin site and it all failed. The only clue I had was this warning, “There was an error retrieving your site settings. Make sure your Jetpack is up to date”.  How can I update Jetpack if I can’t get into my site?

So I sent Jetpack Support the following message on their Support Form.

I get HTTP 500 Internal Server Error when I attempt to access my admin site.

When I go through Word Press and try to access I get this error:

There was an error retrieving your site settings. Make sure your

Jetpack is up to date.

 I can’t update my Jetpack because I can’t get into either the wp-admin site or the .com site.”

The Form said it could be anywhere from 24 to 48 hours before I heard back from Jetpack.  Moan.

The following day, just for shits and giggles, I tried logging into my site AND IT WORKED! I hadn’t done anything, it just healed itself! Wonderful, but how is this possible? It is working perfectly.

This morning I received this from Jetpack:

We’re sorry you’re experiencing an issue.

 We only see one site associated with your ******** WordPress.com account, your self-hosted, WordPress.org Jetpack site, www.mrs-completely.com.

 What is the address of the WordPress.com site you’re referring to?

 Also, if you are not able to access the Dashboard of your self-hosted, WordPress.org site, please reach out to your site host for assistance, as they should be able to help you regain access to the site.

Once we get some feedback, we can take the next troubleshooting step in resolving your issue.

 Best,

Paul C. | Happiness Engineer | WordPress.com

Brilliant. So I confused them AND I don’t need them anymore. I hate it when this happens and I have to write a reply that admits my incompetence. I wish I didn’t have to but I’m an adult so apparently I can’t just hope it all goes away without any input from me. So:

Hi Paul,

SIGH! So the next day I thought I would take a chance and the stupid site loaded without any problems at all! This is like taking my car to the mechanic because it makes a horrible squealing sound and then it won’t make the sound for the mechanic but as soon as I leave the shop it starts squealing again. Gawd! Of course, I have The Viking now so this is no longer an issue but still……. The truth is that I panicked, because I have no idea how all this stuff works together. The Internet Gawd pointed the finger at Jetpack and like a panicky beast with the Dumb I fired off a primal scream on your Support Form. I’m 50. And menopausal. And I may or may not have been in the middle of a hot flash when I hit ‘Submit’. That’s my excuse. It’s up to you whether you believe it or not.

However, we’ve both learned something in the past couple of days. I’ve learned that there is actually someone on the other end of the Jetpack Support Form. Too many online Support Forms are there only to give the illusion that someone gives a shit if you have a problem. Jetpack has Happiness Engineers though! That must be the best fucking job on the planet! Wait. You do get paid, don’t you? Because I’m a Happiness Engineer too except they call me a Wife or a Mother and I get nothing for wages. Or vacation. Or sick days. You probably aren’t paid enough either, are you?

You’ve learned that Menopausal Women who don’t understand how this shit works can panic in glitchy situations. We’ve survived child birth and shopping trips with 3 children under the age of 4 and our husband getting a vasectomy and horrible in-laws and a whole slew of other crap but when our blog goes down for a day we lose our shit. You might want to put a button on the Support Form for ‘Menopausal Women Who Don’t Understand How This Shit Works’. And the automated reply saying you’ve received our Primal Scream could say things like “It’s okay, have some booze.” OR “We understand this is the last fucking thing you need today so we will hurry to help you.” OR “You’re not stupid. Just confused. Here’s a hug.”

 Anyway, please accept my apologies for bothering you. I can send you Brownies as a consolation/apology gift if you’d like. I make amazing Brownies. Oh! Or Maple Brown Sugar Drop Cookies! They are delicious! Please ask for these so I have an excuse to make a double batch and eat half of them myself.

I can only hope that he accepts my apologies and that the next time I hurl the Primal Scream on the Jetpack Support Form he won’t reply with a Turd emoji.

turd-emoji

Without a Blood Offering We’re Screwed

We’re screwed! Completely and utterly screwed!

Sorry. That’s a little rude of me.  Come in and sit.  Here’s some coffee and a piece of cake.

Yes, I was on a diet, but that’s done. No reason to diet when we’re screwed!

“How are we screwed?”

The Viking did it! You would think he would have known better considering Viking Gods are a little more interactive than the regular run-of-the-mill Gods.

What am I talking about? I’m talking about The Viking challenging the Gods. It started with him telling me that his friend Barney hit an elk on the highway the other day, and his truck is a write-off. And if The Viking had stopped there we would be fine. But he didn’t. He carried his thought just that one step further and screwed us!

He said, “That’s so weird because we spend way more time on the highways than Barney and we’ve never hit anything.”

Half way through that sentence I started waving my hands at him, “DON’T SAY IT!!” But he just kept talking! Even the cat looked horrified!

Well, normally I’m not superstitious. I have a black cat and I walk under ladders all the time and I’ve never thrown salt over my shoulder, but this is different. This was a direct challenge to the Gods. Right now, Odin and the gang are laughing their asses off?! The Norns have just changed the threads of our fate.”

Of course I believe that! The better question is “Who doesn’t?” That’s why I never count my chickens before they hatch and I always knock on wood. The worst part is that we don’t know when or how retribution will arrive. Maybe they’ll just throw an elk in front of us next time we hit the road or maybe it will be a Mack truck. The Gods can be vindictive that way.

I put some flowers, grains and a couple of apples on the back step as a form of appeasement but I don’t think the Gods were interested. It didn’t look like they even passed by. I dumped a beer on the lawn – that was the closest thing to mead I could find – and tossed a chunk of my hair out there, too, for good measure. I’m not feeling very un-cursed though.

Oh! Hey! You’re not a virgin are you? Because I think if I could find a virgin…….

Okay, okay! I was only joking. Mostly. Besides there isn’t a volcano within a 1000 miles of here.

So that just leaves us with a blood offering. The Gods are probably hoping for a bull or a goat but the best I can do is a chicken from Safeway. I wonder if I could get the butcher to keep the blood from one chicken and a heart? They wouldn’t think that’s weird, right? I can’t be the first person to ask. And while I’m thinking about it, why am I the one doing all the appeasing work around here? I’m not the offensive one!

If the chicken doesn’t work, then the only thing left is to sacrifice The Viking himself.  Hopefully the Gods will accept just some of his blood.  He is very useful around here and I would miss him terribly if I had to give all of him to the Gods.  According to my research though, they might be appeased with just a cup of blood and some mead.

If this works, maybe, just maybe, we might not be as screwed as I think we are.  And I hope he learns the lesson that he can’t go around, willy-nilly, challenging the Gods and think he can get away with it.

Thanks to Part Time Monster for hosting Weekend Coffee Share

First Aid Kits and a Missed Opportunity

I’m so glad you came for coffee. Have a seat. Yeah, it’s gross, right? Sure I’ll tell you how it happened.

On the third day of our vacation I banged my right foot on the Seadoo trailer. Considering we were at a very busy gas station I thought I did well to keep my wails and curses from all but the closest people. The Viking was as sympathetic as always.

“What the fuck did you do now?” There wasn’t a hint of concern in his voice.

“I banged my foot!  And there’s blood!”

A loving person would stop fueling and check my injuries but he opted for the ‘fuelling is more important than you are’ approach. I was left to poke at my toe – the main victim in the accident – and wonder if I could die from blood loss. There were two (2!) fairly big cuts after all. What if a major artery was nicked? Do big toes have major arteries?

Disappointingly, the blood started clotting – too soon in my opinion. I was hoping for a small puddle of blood congealing around my foot; surely he would spare a little sympathy for that.

“I’m done. You can go get the change.” He called as he finished up.

You see?! Zero sympathy! If he cut his toe in 2 places and there was blood I would definitely have sympathy.

“Fine!” I said as I hobbled back to the cashier. “If I die from blood loss before I get back, you are totally to blame. Make sure you tell the kids that!” Unfortunately, I didn’t die so there was no accountability and he just got away with severe indifference.  There is no justice in this world.

When we got back to the trailer I tried making my toe more noticeable. I called attention to a cat toy and pointed to it with my red, bleeding toe. He looked at the toy and completely ignored my toe which annoyed me.

I take care of everyone! You got a cold? Here, let me get you some Neo-Citran and a warm blanket. Does your back hurt? Let me get you some muscle cream and the heating pad. You need a ride? Let me drop what I’m doing and help you out. Feeling sad today? Come here and I’ll baby you with a fuzzy blanket, a cup of tea and Netflix.

But WHO BABY’S (BABIES) ME?! I get a cold and I have to go to the store myself to buy some meds, come home and make my own damned Neo-Citran and find my own damned blanket. When I’m sad? Pfft. My back hurts? I go find my own pills and keep going.

I’ve been taking care of people for over 30 years now. Yet I can count on one finger how many times someone has told me to sit down and handed me a warm blanket while they fixed me a cup of Neo-Citran. So when I bang my damned toe and it bleeds and it hurts like hell……someone had better give me some fucking attention! How hard can it be?

“Oh Honey! That looks nasty! I bet it hurt. Let me get some disinfectant and antibiotic cream. Would you like a cup of tea? A warm blanket? Can I tuck you into bed?”

See? Not hard at all!

Finally, I poked one of the cuts until it started bleeding again and said, “It’s bleeding again. And my beautiful neon pink toe polish with the lovely white flower is ruined.” Then I lifted my foot so it was inches from his face. “Does it look infected to you?”

“No. I think it’s fine if you quit fucking with it.”

“I don’t think it’s fine and it feels like it’s getting infected!” Of course it was fine and would heal nicely if I just quit fucking with it, but I was fully invested by now and there was no going back.

“So what do you want me to do?” The Viking was annoyed. For some reason Facebook was more important than the gangrene growing on my toe!

So I went to the bathroom and got a bottle of peroxide and a cotton ball. “You could disinfect it.”

I saw the question in his eyes.  Why can’t you do it yourself?  Maybe he read something in my eyes because he sighed heavily then rummaged around in a cupboard to produce an enormous First Aid Kit. I said, “Holy Shit!”

He opened it up; it had everything you would expect a well-stocked emergency room would have. It was almost as big as the First Aid Kit in the garage at home, and only slightly bigger than the First Aid Kit he had in the house. And then I remembered there is another one in one of the Seadoos and one in my car as well.

The Viking has been stockpiling First Aid Kits! Why would he think he needs a Trauma Kit around us at all times?

And that took the wind right out of my sails. Sonofabitch! I hate it when this kind of thing happens. So he actually does care…………but not in the way I recognize care and when I finally do recognize his brand of care I have to accept it and forget about the kind of care I really wanted because I’m a fucking adult! No cup of tea, no warm blanket and no getting tucked into bed with a kiss on my forehead.

FUCK!

What I got instead was a disinfectant swab made of cardboard banged repeatedly on the cuts until I said it didn’t feel infected anymore, a swipe of antibiotic cream and the joy of putting the First Aid Kit away.

2 weeks later it became apparent that an ugly dark purple splotch was taking over my toe nail. It’s now living proof that I should have been coddled and an opportunity was missed.  But…..we have 5 industrial sized First Aid kits which proves The Viking loves me.  I guess.

And that’s how my toe got gross.

Naps, a Slap Chop & I May Have Been Wrong

You know when you have one of those moments when everything you thought you knew turns out to be completely wrong? Like you find out that Karen is actually Sharon and you’ve been calling her the wrong name for 3 months? Well, I had one of those moments on Sunday.

Since our return from Vacation, The Viking and I have been exhausted. We are just barely hanging in there, waiting for Day Light Savings to kick in on the 6th. So, when Saturday rolled around, I went for a nap and it was the loveliest nap I’ve ever taken!

There was a moment though when a terrible banging was going on in the kitchen. At first I thought maybe The Viking wasn’t happy about my napping and he was being Passive Aggressive. This wasn’t a vague, barely audible banging, this was a deafening, shake-the-house kind of banging. I was too tired to really care at that moment, and while most times I would have charged out of the bedroom, wild-eyed, bellowing “What the fuck was that noise?!”, this time I just waited until it stopped and then fell into a warm, dreamless cocoon.

Once I was awake enough…..

Me: What was all that banging earlier?

The Viking: I didn’t hear any banging.

Me: That’s impossible. It shook the whole house.

The Viking: Seriously. I didn’t hear any banging.

Me: It was you! You were out here banging something like you weren’t happy that I was taking a nap!

The Viking: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have an issue with you having a nap. You can do whatever the fuck you want.

Me: So you weren’t banging just to ruin my nap?

The Viking: No. That would be childish.

And here’s where everything went sideways.

Me: Then I would like to have naps like that every day!

The Viking: Only on the weekends. Week days are for working, not napping.

Me (indignant): Of course only on the weekends! You don’t need to suggest that I don’t know enough not to nap on work days!

The Viking: I just wanted to be clear.

Me: What if I’m sick?

The Viking: Well, of course if you’re sick…..

Me (shrugging): I just wanted to make sure I understood the Fine Print.

The Viking: Ok……….Mim.

An explosion happened in my head. Actually….several explosions. My face must have gone slack with shock because The Viking started laughing. “You didn’t think of that, did you?”

No. I didn’t.  But that sounded exactly like something Mim would say.  I’ll bet she has actually said that to me at some point.  I always thought Mim was like her father.  Could I have possibly gotten this wrong for twenty…..how old is she again?…..2016 minus 1989 equals…..where the fuck is the calculator?!…..TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS?! Is she really twenty-seven years old?! That makes me…..

Focus. Age is for another time.

I start scrolling back in time, flashes of memories examined through this new filter.

Fuck!

I did get it wrong. There’s no other explanation.

Double Fuck!

Of course that’s what I would have done if my mother had taken my Beanie Babies away (except I grew up in a corporal punishment world and never had anything worth taking away). And that’s why she sucked at math! And that’s why she doesn’t have the grace of a gazelle. And that’s why she hates turnips and sauerkraut! And that’s why she has trouble with clocks!

Well, I can’t tell her any of this. I can’t admit that I got it all wrong….for 27 fucking years! Right now I have plausible deniability. If she suspected…..well….there would probably be a Turkey Dance and some “I told you so”s. She probably knows the exact number of times I told her she was just like her father. Of course there is a whole conversation here that Freud would have loved but I’m not going to get into it. The fact remains that since The Viking gave me permission to just be me, all my weirdness looks exactly like Mim’s weirdness.

Triple Fuck!

So, how do I contain this? I know I won’t tell her because….well….I’m the Mom and Moms are always right! Right? But when The Viking has a couple of drinks he gets all honest and sincere and will spill the beans. I need to explain to him the catastrophic effects of Mim finding out that her Mom might have been wrong about something fundamental to her childhood. She might have considered the possibility but a confirmation would completely change the dynamic, undermine the entire child/parent principle.

The Viking is the weak link here. This may call for the application of a Headlock again. I don’t condone violence so it will be a gentle Headlock, more like a caress really, but he tends to listen closer when there is nothing to distract him. Well, there is the problem of my boobs but a thick sweater and a tight sports bra will camouflage them enough to get the job done. And I should try to catch him off guard, like when he’s putting on his socks or in the shower.

The Viking: Why are you looking at me like that?

Me: What? Um. Nothing. So why were you banging so loud if not to annoy me out of a nap?

The Viking: I wasn’t banging.

Me: Yes, you were.

The Viking: Maybe it was Junior.

Me: IT WASN’T JUNIOR!! It was you! In the kitchen! The neighbors must have heard it!

The Viking: I think you dreamed it.

Me: I didn’t dream it! It sounded like you were banging two pots together.

The Viking: Ohhhhh. I was using the Slap Chop to cut up the onions.

Me: You do remember that we have that small electric chopper don’t you? No banging required.

The Viking: It’s not the same.

Me: Of course it’s not the same. It’s quiet.

The Viking: Whatever.

I made a mental note to make that Headlock/Caress just a fraction harder. When I catch him off guard.