The Viking and VooDoo

We have a Kodi Box which is a magical device that, once we fiddle and fart around with it, allows us to watch a bagillion movies and TV shows and let’s us listen to a bajillion music channels. We pick a streaming app, then pick the movie or show we want to watch then wait until a bagillon sources pop onto the TV screen. They don’t all work though, so we have to pick one and wait to see if it will play or kick us out. It’s really just a crap shoot – Russian Roulette without the bullets. Sometimes the show is in HD and sometimes it’s a dude with a cheap video camera recording it in a movie theatre and the quality is so terrible it’s not worth watching anyway.

It all sounds kind of hinky, doesn’t it? So why would we spend a half hour just finding the show we want to watch and then another 15 minutes trying to find a stream that will work? Because it saves us $179.00 a month and Telus/Rogers/Bell/Shaw are all assholes and have shitty products and services compared to what Europeans have. That’s why.

But, I digress. I mention all of this because last night we wanted to watch some TV programs and The Viking got everything set up and found a stream for the first episode. When that episode was finished, I took a turn at setting up the next one.

The Viking: Go down and pick the eleventh or twelfth stream; they seem to be working better.

Me: That worked for the last episode. What if the very first stream will work for the second episode? He’s worse than a back seat driver and I just can’t help myself from doing exactly what I’ve been told not to do.

The Viking: Whatever. Try the first one then if that’s what you want to do.

So, I clicked on the first stream and stood there waiting while Kodi spun its wheels for 3 minutes then kicked us out. Fuck! And The Viking was doing a very shitty job of containing his amusement.

Me: Okay, fine. What one do you want me to try?

The Viking: Twelve.

I clicked the twelfth stream and the fucking thing started immediately! Dammit!!

Me: BAH!. Why is he always right?! I hate that!

The Viking (spreading his arms wide in innocence): What? I didn’t do anything.

Me: Shut up.

 He just laughed…..probably because it feels great to be right all the time!

When that episode was over, The Viking was in control of the mouse.

The Viking: You pick the stream this time.  

Me: Twelve.

He clicked 12, waited for 3 minutes while Kodi spun its wheels and then kicked us out.

The Viking: Okay, I’m picking six.

He clicked the stream and the fucking thing started right up!! Gawd!!!

At that particular moment I really wanted to put him in a headlock and rub his hair with my knuckles (as kids, we called them Noogies) until he begged for mercy. But I’ve already discussed the drawbacks of trying to put The Viking in a headlock (in case you haven’t read the pros and cons of headlocks click here) so there’s no point even trying.

However, VooDoo is a different matter altogether. There was a brief moment in time when I thought perhaps he was using VooDoo to jinx me which would explain why shit just happens to me, but it turned out that he doesn’t know the first thing about VooDoo.  And now I have to come up with a completely different hypothesis to explain why shit happens to me.

I understand that VooDoo can’t actually make him wrong once in a while but it will give me satisfaction to stick a pin in his left ass cheek every time he’s right and I’m wrong. Well, not every time because then he would get suspicious and go on a VooDoo Doll hunt. Even worse, he might go and get a VooDoo doll for himself and the next thing I’d know, we’d be sticking pins in our respective dolls every time we annoyed one another.

Bun Karyudo – one of my favorite bloggers – coined this idea in the comments of Potato Salad, Headlocks and Cloroform as ‘Competitive VooDoo’ which he said was ‘like Karate but at a distance’. And as awesome as that sounds it’s still a competition and The Viking always wins every damned game we play. How can anyone roll 8 successive Yahtzes in a single game?!

No, I think I’ll just be careful he doesn’t realize that the pain in his ass is actually me……….

……..now that I re-read that, I think he already knows I’m the pain in his ass. However, he wouldn’t guess that half of the pain in his ass is just me being me, while the other half of the pain in his ass is because I am squatted in the bedroom closet repeatedly sticking pins in the VooDoo doll’s ass. He might just assume that the increase in his ass pain is because I’m learning new and novel ways to bother him, meaning my activities in the closet would be virtually risk free and I wouldn’t have to worry about Counter VooDoo Measures which can get tricky.

And I might actually enjoy being wrong all the time when I know that I can immediately run for the bedroom closet and start stabbing.  I would have to come up with a good reason why I’ve suddenly developed a fondness for our cramped closet though.

Okay, scratch the closet and insert Bathroom because I can always come up with an excuse for being in there and it hardly ever involves Diarrhea.

It’s nice when a good plan comes together. The last thing to consider is where to find the VooDoo doll. Oh! Nevermind! Google has the answer as usual and I can make one for about $1.00.

PS:  I first saw this Mini Office VooDoo kit when I worked at Chapters years ago, but I found that Amazon now has them.  Joy.  If I had a nickle for every time I wanted to VooDoo a fellow worker…….