Potato Salad, Headlocks and Chloroform

Mission:  Make Potato Salad to serve tonight when the kids come for dinner.

Me:  I watched a video on YouTube on how to peel potatoes really easy.  You just boil them first, squeeze the potato gently and the peel comes right off!

Viking:  I think that only works on new potatoes.

Me:  They look kind of like new potatoes.  The skins are very thin.  It should work fine.

Viking:  ……..shrug

2 Hours Later

It was a complete hoax! The peel doesn’t come right off the potato when I squeeze it gently.  It doesn’t come right off when I squeeze it aggressively but you do have squashed potato in your hand that doesn’t belong in my delicious Potato Salad.

I could leave the peels on the potatoes, as a rustic touch, except I found some dirt on one that somehow survived my scrubbing, boiling and rinsing. And if there is dirt on one maybe I missed another one and there’s nothing worse than eating my delicious Potato Salad and suddenly there’s dirt in your mouth that may or may not contain animal manure.

So, now I have to peel cooked potatoes and that goes exactly how you would expect. The peeler gummed up with soggy skin and made another mess which means I have to use a Paring Knife and kind of scrape the skin.  This takes so long that I start to worry The Viking will show up and if he sees me peeling cooked potatoes he’s going to laugh his damned Danish ass off!

And now I’m wondering why he’s always right? He just walks past and mutters something and whatever it is that I’m doing is ready for the toilet.  And it’s not just cooking – I could be doing laundry or cleaning or parking the car and all he has to do is mutter something and disaster happens.

And now I’m wondering if he’s a Voodoo dude?  Is he muttering curses and crouching in the corner of the garage sticking pins in a doll that looks just like me?  Is he intentionally hexing my projects?  Because I don’t recall being wrong so many times before I met The Viking.

Peeling the eggs was a nightmare, too! I bought them more than 2 weeks ago, it’s not like they are too fresh, so why in the hell are they being such assholes?  And then the bacon splattered my hands and arms and made me yell curses at it.  Gawd!!  It’s almost like The Viking has cursed the entire Potato Salad Project!

I heard him muttering earlier today; I thought he was just grumbling about stuff in the garage so I kind of tuned him out. Obviously that was a mistake.  It was probably an intricate curse designed to ruin my day.  Now I’m going to have to listen to every damned word he says in case he’s jinxing me, so I can put him in a headlock and force him to rescind the jinx!

Except he wrestled in school so it’s probably not going to be easy to get that headlock in place if he sees me coming. So I’ll need a sneak attack.  Ninja Style perhaps.  Um….that won’t work….I don’t have black pajamas.  I guess I will just have to hide behind a door and jump him when he least expects it.  Cat-like.  If I’m fast enough I’ll have him in a firm headlock before he knows what happened.

Geez!! I just Googled how to do a Headlock Takedown and it appears there is a lot of grunting and sweating and rolling around on padded mats involved and I’m a lady.  It also appears like I need an actual Outfit of tight-fitting, elastic overall shorts – not my typical choice of clothing – and that might tip The Viking off that I was up to something.

Chloroform. That has to be the answer!   I could Chloroform him and once he’s unconscious I can tie him up with zip ties (he has lots of those in the garage) and take my time convincing him to un-jinx me.  The key here is to Chloroform him and not ME.  Things could go completely off the rails if I get this one little thing wrong.  But where does one buy chloroform?  HA!  Google says you can make Chloroform at home with bleach and acetone!  Brilliant!

Then there is the problem that The Viking is a Dane so he’s very stubborn which means he might be resistant to ending his VooDoo days. In that case I’ll need torture tools; I probably shouldn’t use his own tools to torture him – that would be cruel.  I can buy booster cables and a car battery easily enough but I’ll have to Google what color goes on which post, I always get that wrong.  Also, The Viking has quite small nipples so I should find out where else I can attach the booster cables.

I would need to pick my time carefully. There should be enough time after the torturing for him to recover for Sexday, but not the very day after Sexday because you don’t want to ruin that wonderful ‘day-after’ loviness.  So, Tuesday it is.

And I should clear the search history on the computer. I’m not expecting The Viking to press charges but you can’t be too careful.  Besides, this could all have been avoided if he hadn’t been jinxing my chores and projects to begin with.  He really brought this on himself.